Anniversary

Today is the first anniversary of this blog. It is also the day it closes down. I set out to chronicle my misadventures with a game system with which I was reunited after more than a decade, what I ended up doing was realizing that such a commitment requires way more time, money and effort than I'd like to expend.

So it is with little fanfare that we close shop today. Simply stated the passion wasn't there. I realized that I'm not that big a fan of video games to begin with and trying to find two or three things to write about per week is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Some months were easier than others, shit just came to me, but other months (especially the most recent ones) the days without a post simply piled on and I had nothing to end the droughts with.

See the real money, fame and so forth is in niche blogs. All of these chicks with douchebags, stop making that duckface and other blogs are what its all about. This thing was simply too broad, too ambitious and most often than not too neglected.

It was fun at times. I'm proud of some of these posts, I'm embarrassed at some others and I'm indifferent to most of them. I won't delete the blog because theres no reason to, this is here and its an insight into my mind circa 2009-2010. Just as the former blog (that I deleted) was an insight into my head circa 2003 to 2008. It was a darker time to be sure.

Anyways this is it, it was fun.

Giana Sisters

Giana Sisters was originally a game for the Commodore or TurboGrafx or some other old gaming system which tried very hard to be Mario Brothers. To this end you control a blond girl who walks around hitting blocks, jumping on pipes and eliminating baddies by (you guessed it) jumping on them. Some of the blocks gave you the ability to transform into a red haired version of the girl with the ability to shoot fireballs. In other words its exactly like Mario.

In 2010 the game makes a comeback on another platform: the iPhone. The graphics have been updated, made much prettier actually. While the original game appears to feature grungy women from New Jersey the new sisters are younger, hipper and cuter. They look like little vinyl figurines. And even though its still largely a Mario clone this isn't such a negative thing seeing as how the platform will never see a legitimate Mario game. It's a healthy alternative, I'm not sure how ethical it is but its better than nothing.

Gameplay feels like Mario with the fireballs, jumping, tubes and whatnot. Graphics are pretty, its colourful, you collect jewels instead of coins, you jump through obstacles and face bosses who live in castles. There's lots to like and its varied enough (80+ levels) that you don't get either easily bored or beat it too quickly.

But it also has some problems. The main one is the buttons, because you're not physically touching buttons but rather a flat screen it is often difficult to determine how far a jump will take you, when you're supposed to jump and, worst of all, where the location of the buttons is so you often end up pressing a part of the screen with the wrong command or nothing in it. You lose all instinctive commands and you end up looking at the screen in order to not miss an input, have you ever looked at your hands to make sure youre pressing the fire trigger on an xbox controller when playing MW2? 'course not.

To be fair, however, this problem is not exclusive to this game, most of my bitching about iPhone games is largely because of their non physical buttons. One could safely assume, then, that the whole not having buttons thing does adversely affect iPhone games but apple was not about to sacrifice style for playability so the decision was made to go buttonless. Yes the iPhone is slick as fuck but the question has to be asked again whether its a true gaming platform or not.

Getting back to the actual game: what can I say? its fun. Sure it gets excruciatingly frustrating at times but thats how these things are. A little difficulty never hurt anybody. A solid two basilisks out of three.

Gone for Spring Break

Yes I'm gone for a week. I'll be back next Sunday. In the mean time here's an old ad for Battletoads.

KOF 13: Here We Go Again

King of Fighters XIII was announced a few weeks ago and today SNK released the first of what promise to be tons and tons of screens. They made a point of featuring Mai and her jugs first and foremost too as if to say "look fanboys we know we screwed up but please accept our apologies, in the form of Mai's jugs".

Will the inclusion of Mai make everybody forget that KOF 12 was essentially a very good looking piece of mediocrity? umm probably not but the inclusion of King and Yuri will probably do the trick. Actually no, we'll have to wait until we see actual gameplay and some improvements in both the main arcade/story mode and online gameplay.

Lets face it, SNK, Capcom has all but eaten your lunch when it comes to retro goodness both in terms of profiting from nostalgia and delivering a great gaming experience. You still have your great looking revamped 2D sprites to fall back on but with BlazBlue and Guilty Gear cornering that market its hard to figure out where exactly it is that you belong.

I, of course, want to believe that this will be a return to form for SNK and I'm a sucker for great artwork so I'll give this a try. That is, of course, if the reviews dont bury it before it arrives.

By the way you know what else I appreciate SNK? stuff. How about including some tangible extras in a special edition? hell how about including some extras in the regular edition just as a way of asking for forgiveness. Give us stuff, SNK, and I assure you we will forgive you. Give us a good game and I assure you you'll become relevant once again.

Pricing Schemes

Since I posted that entry about Infinity Ward's upcoming "Stimulus Package" map pack I've had a chance to not only think about the whole thing but actually learn the price that this stimulus will cost us. Turns out the price will be 1200 Microsoft Points which translates into $15 American and about 15,000 Schrute Bucks.

That's a whole lot of Schrute bucks.

Yes this price sucks, yes its double that of the map packages that were available for the first Modern Warfare and yes out of the five included maps two are actually old maps from that first MW title.

In effect what Infinity Ward, or more accurately Activision, is doing is stealing from its rabid base. Fifteen dollars is too much money for any add-on, regardless of how many hours us players and them creators have invested in the game. Fifteen dollars is 25% of the cost of the friggin game despite the fact that you're not getting 25% more game.

The problem is that Activision does in fact hold a monopoly on the add-ons and expansions for this game. As such they, like the East India Company and AT&T before them, have the ability to charge whatever the fuck they want for their product. I'm not saying this is fair, quite the opposite actually, but I'm saying this is a fact. It's an unfortunate side effect of the online stores and the add-ons market as a whole.

I don't have a problem with paying for extra content but I do have a problem with being gouged for extra content and this is exactly what's occurring here. Actually I'm surprised this sort of thing didn't occur earlier. It seems like at some point we all agreed how much a bonus costume, a bonus stage, an actual game should cost and have been living with these costs ever since. Now Activision realizes that we'll pay just about anything and goes ahead and doubles their prices.

This might be the final stand for the Modern Warfare franchise too. Not because its fans will suddenly feel robbed and stop playing the game but because of the entire fiasco that was the firing of Infinity Ward's head developers. The Modern Warfare franchise will live on but will it really if the games are being created by someone else? I know that Call of Duty games have been developed by all sorts of different companies but this is no longer Call of Duty, this is a whole new beast, one that has far surpassed the original and one who's fanbase will only take so many slaps to the face. This pricing scheme was the second one, we'll see how many more they dish out.

Minimum Carnage

I have to admit I thought of that title before even thinking of this entry. Minimum Carnage. Har har.

Maximum Carnage is a game for the SNES that came out in the mid 90's. As such, and like the JLA game we reviewed not too long ago, it offers a foray into the world of superheroes as envisioned in that horrifying decade. Namely big muscles, big explosions, misogyny and Rob Liefeld.

The game is based off the eponymous comic book event Marvel published in 1993 which saw Spider Man teaming up with the quintessential 90's anti-hero: Venom to destroy a much meaner version of Venom, if you will, the red gooey whatsit known as Carnage. I've never actually read this thing but I imagined that what ensued was full of testosterone and machismo.

To say that this game sucks would be unfair. It is, after all, a product of its time and even though its primary objective was to cash in on the successful comic book it does offer yet another version of the 3/4 beat-em-up. And as a member of such a fraternity it is fairly indistinguishable from the Double Dragon's and Turtles in Time's of its day. The graphics are good enough, as one would expect this is a colorful world with characters that take up a good chunk of the screen, and fighting moves that are on par with the fighters and beat em ups of the time.

But the drawbacks are too many to make this game worthwhile. The baddies are as repetitive as you would expect, you basically fight through New York beating up what appear to be old homeless men, punk teenagers and women. Yep Spider Man beats up on women in this one. When you reach the end of a level you fight a boss who is usually someone from Spider Man's rogue gallery. In the end, I assume, you take on Carnage himself.

The game is also unbelievably cheap. The lesser thugs will gang up on you and kick your ass solely because they have a numbers advantage. Yes you can eliminate these guys easily enough but not when you're punching one and another one decides to drop kick you from behind. The odd thing is this is labeled as a Spider Man-Venom game but its not two player, instead you have the ability (in some stages) to use Venom but for the most part its just you and Spidey. Had they made this a two player game the action would be much less frustrating. As it stands there are limited heals, you only get three lives and just one continue.

In later stages you can get some help from other superheroes but their help is limited and you actually have to get to these stages with your three lives and one continue. It's frustrating, its not worth the time and effort and it looks like they tried to sell this thing solely on the basis of its cartridge being red. Yes the cartridge is kickass but the gaming is the equivalent of being stabbed in the eye with a pencil.

Some Randoms

This last week's been pretty bad: sick, work, no access to the SNES. So this has led to a slowing of the updates. There are some news to report:

-Hakan has been officially unveiled for Super Street Fighter IV.
-This weekend was free play for Xbox silver members on Modern Warfare.
-And well actually that's it.

Fortunately I do keep a stash of shit to post for when situations like this come around, namely links to stupid articles that I star on my Google reader. Here are two such articles dealing with video games in real life.

On Buzzfeed.
On Cracked.

Loser of the Week - Photobucket, I like you, I do, you're an integral part of this blog, fuck you're the the fifth Beatle of this blog! but honestly you're not Flickr, you're not Tumblr so please stop trying to be like them. I don't want to catalog and tag my images, at least not with you. So please when I upload something limit yourself to just fucking giving me a link that I can quickly copy and paste. Ok? thanks! bye.

Mapathy

Can we start salivating now? five new maps for Modern Warfare 2 will be released on March 30th. So that's the date I get over my complaining about how Microsoft insulted me eh? well played Microsoft, well played.

And because the internet can't keep secrets here is a video detailing the five maps that are coming out: Storm, Complex, Crash, Overgrown and Compact. Hmm...even if there are only two map packs with five maps each that still takes the grand total to 26 different maps. I'm not saying that the current 16 don't offer great variety but with the addition of ten more it looks like the fun will literally never stop.

Or actually it seems like the fun will stop because of the whole Infinity Ward vs. Activision crap but thats a topic for another day.

Ubisoft's Football Entry

You know in cartoons when someone is frozen or told to stop and does so suddenly and is left sorta teetering in the position they stopped and they look like there is a sort of tension of they stand on the brink of either going off to one end or the other? no? well I can't think of any examples of this to link to but I'm sure you have a vague idea of what I'm talking about.

Anyway that's the feeling I got upon seeing this article on Kotaku today which talked about a possible new FIFA street style arcade game from Ubisoft which promises to deliver the greatness of soccer without the pretentiousness of the actual FIFA's and Pro Evo Soccers. For you see it looks like a great idea, a great concept (like FIFA Street 2) but could also be complete horrible wreck (like FIFA Street 3).

I'm on the fence on this and of course it'll all depend on how the game actually plays. Let us count the ways in which I am now judging this entire game (which might or might not come out) just based on a few screencaps.

-The art style is great, like the Madden games for the Wii or, more appropriately, the FIFA Street games instead of focusing on realistic models they go with uber deformed models whose muscles are exagerated, lankiness is extremized and so on.

-Some licensing! Hey look its Messi! Gatusso! Puyol! Puyol's glorious hair! and they're wearing official Adidas and Puma gear! here's the thing, Pro Evo: if you're ever gonna be taken seriously (by me) you need to have actual players and teams. Its very important. This game has started off on the right foot.

-Whoa Whoa Whoa....is that Alexis Lalas and Coby Jones? what is this game set in the early to mid 1990's when these guys were still relevant? I mean even if you're gonna throw in some legends (like FIFA Street did) are these two actually legends?

-It's five on five. Look I'll be honest, I may be a hardcore badass hooligan but playing a soccer game can get kinda boring. Shit watching a soccer game can get kinda dull too, this should help ease that. Throw in a good soundtrack, maybe some NBA Jam shit and you should have a winner.

But then again can we really judge this thing on five or six screenshots? nah not yet, especially since it might be rushed to cash in on the World Cup, maybe when we get a Youtube video we'll be able to see what's up with this.

Justice League Taskforce

Justice League Task Force is without a doubt a product of its time. You blow on the cartridge, put it into the slot, slide the power button and you're immediately transported back to the mid 90's. Sure it was a great time in general: pre 9/11, economic prosperity, new weekly episodes of both Full House and Family Matters, the apex of the Atlanta Braves dynasty. But for the comic book industry it was actually the dark ages.

The 90's will always be marred by the rise of the uber masculine superhero as first envisioned by Image Comics (google Rob Liefeld) and later adapted by both of the big two. Whereas the 80's signaled a revolution towards the anti hero, towards imperfect, often imbalanced heroes the 90's gave us loads of steroids, bad hair and unparalleled machismo. It wasn't pretty.

Not to say that JLA Taskforce isnt pretty: for a mid 90's game the character design is nice, with colorful, beefy sprites that take up a significant amount of TV real estate, nice background stages and decent music the game could justifiable be found at your local KMart for thirty bucks.

Where it falls apart is in the gameplay department. Like all fighting games of the era it tries to be Street Fighter but the action is too choppy and random to merit such a comparison. The six available characters (and three bosses) all play the same, they all (except one) have a charging attack and projectiles which can all be used with the hadoken command. Boring. Street Fighter tried to give us different fighting styles, JLA Taskforce takes two of those styles and applies them to known superheroes and calls it a game.

And a very difficult game at that! n00bs will soon be changing the difficulty setting when they discover that even the first character in the story is impossible to beat on medium. All of these characters fight cheap: you jump they throw you a projectile, you throw a projectile they jump kick you, before you realize it your life meter is flashing and you're about to die.

But lets get back to the available characters, shit lets break them down one by one:

Superman: the mere thought that anybody can challenge a guy that flies, has laser vision and is stronger then hell is laughable but I guess he's fighting fair here.

Batman: I fucking love Batman.

The Flash: not cool hat Flash but rather spandex muscles 90's Flash. Oh by the way Joe Higashi called he wants his tornado attack back.

Wonder Woman: because you need to have a woman in here. (Cheetah is also in it as a boss).

Aquaman: D'you wanna get high Aquaman???

Green Arrow: Wait Green Arrow is in this? holy fuck talk about your unlikely inclusions! yes I knew he was in it, yes this is the reason why I bought this game. Any more questions?

Like I said the stages are very easy on the eyes, from the Daily Planet globe to Aquaman's underwater Aquatic Justice center, even Batman's Gotham is as dark and pretentious as he is. By the way Green Arrow fights in the forest. Really? the forest? it's like the developers had never heard of Green Arrow but they figured since he looks like Robin Hood then he must be Robin Hood.

Oh shit, how about the story? its pretty easy to follow: Darkseid has declared war on earth (this is literally what it says) and its up to the JLA to fuck him up. Obviously the JLA is up to it and they go about doing it by....fighting against each other? try to figure that one out.

All in all a very interesting game that might be incredibly frustrating but is cool nonetheless. A DC fighting game is by definition kinda fun, especially since it wouldn't happen again until they struck a deal with Mortal Kombat to try to make both franchises relevant again.

Teaser

After all, Red & Black are my favourite colors.

Ah Capitalism

Someone has paid $800,000 dollars on eBay for the NES game you see pictured above. Let me enunciate that: eight hundred thousand dollars. Almost one million dollars for a sealed copy of a very rare game (probably the rarest from what I've read), which only has value because the handful of collectors willing to pay such prices think it has that value.

Its pretty sad that we've gotten to this point. On the one hand sure its a piece of history just like a Picasso or a Warhol painting whose value should be determined by what it means to the person purchasing it and what the consensus is among those who would want such an item. But on the other we're talking about $800k for what is essentially is plastic inside a box wrapped in more plastic.

But this is what capitalism is all about: not only having the freedom to own private property but having the freedom to own whatever private property you want and spending whatever ridiculous amount of money you want for it. That we've reached the point in which a video game is worth that much money probably proves some point that Marx made in Das Kapital or the Brumeire. What that point is evades me right now but I'm sure it would have something to do with not being a fucking moron.

I'm kinda glad for the person who sold it though. A game collector, someone who obviously loves video games, selling it probably because this game has fetched up to $40,000 previously and deciding to cash in. And why not? the way I see it the person who bought it isn't a game collector like you and me but some rich guy who can afford to splurge in stupid stuff like this. Shit, its probably Todd McFarlane. The transfer of wealth from such a person (or casino or hedge fund or whatever) to a regular citizen is great, I'm sure eBay is happy about it too.

I'm also happy since that auction where I bought Killer Instinct, Maximum Carnage and a JLA game for $20 now seems like a steal.

So the moral of the story? simple:

1. find a copy of Stadium Events
2. Put it up for auction on eBay
3. ????
4. Profit.

Two Big Revelations

A clearer and somewhat contradictory picture of new Street Fighter Hakan surfaced today. The Arab fighter is now Turkish and instead of being a white haired, dark skinned version of Abel he now has a mustache. I've always said that we need more mustaches in video games. Sure Mario has a mustache and he's the biggest character in video games but still: you can never have too many mustaches.

The picture is pixely, its blurry, it looks like someone took a cellphone camera to take a pic of a non-HD screen but that's beside the point. From what I can tell he looks badass and a welcome addition to the roster. I might complain a lot about this game but the now six new characters (Abel, Viper, Fuerte, Rufus, Juri and Hakan) all turned out pretty good.

And the second announcement: Power Girl is coming to DCU online. When I think of Power Girl one thing comes to mind: Boob Window. I don't really like the character and thats probably the main reason why, the boob window seems too gratuitous, too unnecessary even in a medium (comics) in which females are typically represented wearing next to nothing. The fact that Power Girl has a rack that can only lead to back problems and a mom haircut doesn't help either.

Honestly, she looks like needs to put some jeans and a polo on and drive Supergirl to soccer practice. Kotaku says that Power Girl is a counterpart to Supergirl but she looks more like her mom, I guess she was created for those nerds who are more into cougars. I don't play DCU online so they the announcement means nothing to me, still thought I'd share.

More Power Girl pics at Kotaku
Full story on Hakan at Hadoken

Angry Birds FTW

Angry Birds is one of those games that you kinda cant put down. Not because the story is incredibly engaging, not because the gameplay is incredibly challenging nor because the art is amazing (even though it is) but rather because its so simple it makes you wonder why we need advancements in technology at all. It also makes you fear the Swedish: first ABBA, then IKEA now THIS?

The gameplay is as follows: a group of green, round pig-like creatures has kidnapped the eggs of a group of birds, this makes the birds angry (hence the name) and they vow to get revenge and their eggs back through the use of a slingshot and complex mathematical equations. There's no actual math, instead you shoot the different birds and try to defeat the pigs by eliminating them through the destruction of their many fortifications.

You start off with just a red cardinal whose sole ability is to shoot throw himself off a slingshot and wreak as much havoc as he possibly can but as the game progresses you unlock other birds including a blue jay who can split himself in three, an angry canary who can shoot himself with an extra boost, a raven whos actually a bomb and a pigeon that can shoot eggs. If there are any more I have yet to unlock them. Also I should point out that the species listed above are merely guesses I made based on the color of the birds.

The character design is fantastic, the colors are brilliant, each bird and pig has a unique shape (like my favourite: angry canary triangle) and a unique sound that it makes when it launches itself. Because each bird has different abilities and they're all different sizes the player has to develop strategies to find the best way to knock out the pigs the fastest. This can be incredibly frustrating but its also very rewarding once a seemingly impossible level is beaten.

Each level is different in both its design and the number and type of birds you get. No, its not up to you to decide which birds you get to use in each stage, its whatever the game picks and this adds significantly to the challenge because you cant ever just throw five bomb birds and hope you can explode away your problems.

All this for only one dollar. I've played Xbox games that are less fun (right Bullet Witch?).

Followup

Some numbers to crunch regarding that previous post about how EA is trying to get a bigger piece of the gaming pie. Actually its a literal interpretation of such a statement, a pie chart showing just whose pocket that $60 you spend on a new game goes to.

According to the chart each game costs $4 to produce, this isn't the cost of making a game but merely the cost of burning it onto a disc, packaging, shipping and so on. That leaves $56 about half of which ($27) goes to the publisher.

Now since these are the people who make the game it makes sense that they get the biggest piece of the pie. Retailers get a considerable amount ($15) which leads one to believe that if game producers sold their games directly to the public they would be able to either: a. sell a game for fifteen dollars cheaper or pocket fifteen dollars more in profit.

Retailers to play an important part in the cycle since they facilitate the transfer of the goods to the customer and the transfer of cash to the producers. It's a very imperfect cycle, one whose convenience is paid for by the consumer, and one which changes dramatically when we're talking about used games.

If a gamer sells an unwanted title to a retailer (like Gamestop) he gets considerably less then what he paid for back, the retailer then sells the game at a considerable markup from what they bought it for, to another willing customer. The retailer reeks in lots of profit (on top of what they already made from selling the game new), the manufacturer gets nothing and the consumer is able to buy the game cheaper than new.

This is the market that EA wants to crack by trying to get some of those who buy used to buy new. No I'm not trying to defend retailers (especially predatory ones like Gamestop), I'm more worried about those who buy directly from other consumers via either Amazon. eBay, Craigslist, the swap meet or whatever. When you purchase a game you reserve the right to do with that copy as you wish (except you know make and sell copies of it), when EA tries to get into the used game market they take away potential consumer to consumer transactions. Transactions which benefit the consumer because they don't have to deal with corporations who are only concerned with profits.

And that's my main problem with EA right now. Not to try to take money away from small developers, not to try to get more money to retailer$ but to increase the number of transactions and situations that require neither of these two when exchanging games.

The full article is at Double Kill.

Project 10 Dollar

EA is trying out this new program called Project Ten Dollar which basically gives gamers an incentive to buy a game new (as opposed to used, duh) by providing special codes which unlock special downloadable content for that particular game. The name of the project stems from the fact that those who don't have the special codes would have to shell out an additional ten bucks for such content.

While this has been previously done in the form of special editions or pre order bonuses (for example the special edition of SFIV included a code for an alternate costumes pack) this is the first time the bonus has been given out simply for buying a new copy.

Let us count the ways in which, for consumers, this blows. I understand that EA wants to get its fair share of the profits for the games it makes, I understand that once a game is sold used (via gamestop, Amazon or what have you) then EA no longer makes any money off that game. This makes the project perfectly sensible. But it still feels like they're trying to cheat gamers out of their money. It makes perfect sense for anybody to try to get the best deal on what they purchase, if a gamer wants to save a few bucks and is content with buying used then so be it. This isn't a defense of the above used game retailers, in a perfect world we'd all be able to sell our used games to each other with not middleman. Because the world is far from perfect the above retailers play an important role in this clandestine market, they make a fair share of money out of it too.

Lets look at EA's model. The company rakes in the biggest profit margin out of new games, as opposed to retailers, but let us assume that the people that buy new were gonna buy new anyway and have no intention of buying used either for ethical reasons, because they really like the game or because they just love EA. The target market for a new game is those gamers who are willing to pay the exorbitant amount of money that a new game costs. But EA is not content with having this market cornered (because no one else can make the game and sell it new) now they want to eat at the used game market and they want to do it not by having a smaller pricepoint (and smaller profit margin) nor getting into the used game market directly but rather by providing an incentive which forces those who don't buy new and want that incentive to purchase it at an incredible markup.

What you are doing, then, is basically telling your clientele that there are two types of classes: those who buy new and give you direct profit and those who don't. You're not so much rewarding the former (because DLC isn't that expensive) as punishing the latter (because DLC isn't that expensive). No one is being forced to buy anything, obviously, but you're still essentially blackmailing people into giving you their money and not the retailers or a friend or an ebayer or whoever you happen to buy a used game from.

Now let's forget about DLC for a bit because DLC is not the only premium offered in project ten (more accurately fifteen) dollar. There have been games in which the bonus is access to an in-game store which would otherwise cost actual money without the code. So now the question is why isn't this available to everybody?

Even in the case of DLC you're still somewhat cheating your customers, if you're willing to give away DLC to a segment of the population then, honestly, your DLC probably didn't cost you that much, or maybe its not that good or maybe you're just making up bonuses that, though optional, some folks will have to pay a lot more to get. If you're not that into your DLC in the first place (since you're giving it away after all) then why not include any bonus maps, access to stores, uniforms or what have you with the game? why not let everybody have access to it?

Because you're greedy. Because you take the same position that textbook makers take, you sell crap with tons of markup then get angry that you're not getting a piece of an emerging market (used media) but since you cant release a new edition of a game every year (unless its a sports game, right EA?) then you come up with stupid shit like Project 10 dollar. It makes you come off as a shitty multinational who wants to keep reigns on everything they sell even after its sold. You try to dissuade those who want or have no option but to buy used by resorting to gimmicks. And for that, EA, welcome to my shitlist, population? you.

By the way this isn't a rant against downloadable content. Look if and when Infinity Ward decides to bless us with some bonus maps for Modern Warfare 2 I'll be the first in line to buy it. But the thing here is that if its taken this long then obviously its not something that was ready at launch, its not something that could have been included at launch, its a legitimate add-on to the game and something that should be worth more money. In the case of Battlefield Bad Company 2 (and other EA titles) the downloadable content will be available at launch and will be free to whoever buys the game new. To everybody else it'll cost a bit more, optional sure, but if its ready to go on launch...well why not just include it with the game? but now I'm just repeating shit I already said.

In Which Microsoft Insults Me

A few days ago my Xbox Live Gold subscription ended rendering me unable to play Modern Warfare (or I suppose any other game) online. I wasn't too upset, after all I had paid only $5 out of pocket for a three month subscription. I had made peace with my progress in the game and was ready to take a break from it. It was, you could say, an amicable separation between me and Xbox.

Flash forward to today and an email I received from Microsoft informing me that I was eligible for a special offer in which I'd be able to renew my Gold subscription for a year for only $3.33 a month. That still adds up to about $40 but its less than the typical $50 yearly fee and way better than the $7.99 fee that they charge you if you pay monthly. This was the email sent to me:
I clicked on the offer button and was transferred to the Live.Xbox.Com page, I signed in and was then told that that promotional offer was not available to me at this time. Wait what? Look I'll be honest I probably wasn't get the offer anyway (its not a great offer especially since WalMart will sell you a year for $30) but I was curious to see the offer and actually think about it. It was good to see that they cared enough to try to get me back with a special offer, now I see that they actually don't care to have me back that much.

Clicking the "ok" button took me to a screen selling me the one year $50 deal, the three month $20 deal or the 1 month $8 deal. There was no option to select the fuck off deal.

The issue here, however, is not whether Xbox wants me back or not, its not whether I want to get back to Modern Warfare as soon as possible or not. The issue is that they sent me an email and then friggin lied to me. They offered me a special deal (just for me!) and then promptly told me that I wasn't qualified to receive such a special deal. I know that Microsoft is a heartless multinational corporation that could give a fuck about me or any other Xbox Live user but I don't need to be promised something and then have that taken away.

For that I say fuck off Microsoft, I needed a break from video games anyway.

Stages: M. Bison

Note: the title should be read as a parody of David Bowie's "Changes" (i.e Staaa aages)

M. Bison. The Dictator, the final boss, the guy who's personification has evolved from basic to bulky to overtly realistic to whatever the fuck hes up to these days. Its safe to say that his status as a boss has severely diminished, like Bowser and other villains he was quickly forced into the lovable baddie role. Now he's just misunderstood, replaced by other uglier and stupider bosses (I mean blonde Jesus? wtf??)

The problem with Bison's stage is that its not representative of any country. Bison doesn't fight for a country, he fights for evil and by evil I mean a flag with a winged skull on it. Doesn't get much more evil than that does it? Sure I've heard that the stage is in Thailand, there are monks and a huge bell after all, but Bison doesn't look like a monk or like someone who's just in it for a good fight.

No, he looks more like a Caribbean dictator or, at most, an Eastern European dictator. So why then isn't Bison fighting out of Nassau or Belgrade? Ugh Capcom, did you really want to throw another character representing a country that is already represented? I mean your game is called The World Warrior, how about getting more of the world in there? I know there was no Wikipedia back then but surely you could have gotten ahold of an old CIA fact book.

Maybe that's why he technically represents a flag with a skull on it: Sagat was already from Thailand and so was Adon. Sure this was the height of the Michael Dudikoff and the American Ninja franchise but this didn't mean we needed more and more martial arts bullshit. Congrats, because of you we now have the UFC and the glorification of the bellicose douchebag.

Hipstamatic

Hipstamatic is hands down the greatest iPhone app ever made. Essentially its a camera app with a bunch of filters in the form of different camera lenses, flashes and film which make your pictures come out as nice retro looking little squares. The pictures come up with a character and a depth that is can only be achieved with the cameras of the sixties, seventies and eighties. No high definition, super megapixel finery. It's sweet and to the point.

The interface is pretty sweet: a plastic camera with a view finder, a flash button and some other crap. The standard package comes with three lenses, a standard flash and two or three films. Three more "hipstapacks" are available for purchase and after buying those you now have an entire package with (by my count) 216 different combinations all for a total of $5.

All of this just so I can justify showing that kickass picture of me in my Ghost mask. Yes I bought a Ghost mask. It comes straight from the UK (you know just like Ghost) and is completely badass even without the sunglasses, beanie and headphones which would complete the look. We still miss you Ghost.

So This Happened

Seriously this is officially the worst kept secret ever. The leaked list of "new" characters appearing in Super Street Fighter IV has all but been proven to be true, with today's unofficial confirmation of Makoto, Dudley and Ibuki coming to the game that only leaves the "new Arab fighter" Hakan. Ummm ok, could they not have unveiled this officially some months ago?

I've talked about this before, many times, and if you follow the Street Fighter tag you'll notice that my tone has gone from incredibly excited to cautiously disappointed to just plain angry at the money grab. As far as the technical aspects go these three new characters look just as good as the previous releases and the original characters do. When Capcom decided on this character style they picked a winner and I'm glad they're sticking with it.

Loser of the Week: NBC and their fucked up Olympic coverage. Almost nothing is broadcast live (especially here in the West Coast, in the same time zone as the fucking Olympics!), they give the American public live figure skating however. Ugh figure skating? that's not actually sport, wheres the hockey? snowboarding? bobsledding? At least I got to see some live curling today.

RPG n' Poker

Sword & Poker is a game whose title gives me no choice but to believe that it was made by Chinese game developers. If this is indeed the case, and granted I am only one google search away from finding out, then we have lots to fear for because the Chinese have far surpassed us in ingenuity.

The game is so simple it makes me wish I had been brought up by an oppressive pseudo communist junta. A 5x5 grid in which cards are to be placed, two at a time with an initial setup of nine, in an effort to create poker hands. So lets say that the board currently has a Jack and two fives if you have another five and a jack you go ahead and place them and bam! full house.

Sure anybody could have thought of this (and I'm sure many folks have) but this game adds in tons of RPG elements that make it stand out from the detritus (thats the second time I've used that word since starting this blog btw) of card games across all gaming platforms. The player moves along dungeons full of baddies, he faces them in turn based combat and defeats them by getting good poker hands, depending on what the hand is is the amount of damage done: a single pair is weak while a straight, flush, straight flush or royal flush is the balls.

The player is able to purchase weapons, shields and other objects which help him (her?) along the way. Different weapons have different abilities and dish out different damage. You know like in any other decent RPG. There is a ton of strategy (from using magic to the ability to strategically pass your turn), the music is strangely reminiscent of early Zelda games and the art is top notch.

Overall its a nice little package whose ability to infuriate and frustrate is only surpassed by its ability to help pass the time while waiting on the bus and/or hospital waiting room.

A solid three golden apples out of four.

In other iPhone news: Capcom is releasing Street Fighter IV for the handheld system. No word yet as to what the fuck they are thinking.

Guile Gets Caught Committing Insurance Fraud

Via Unreality

Pokemon: The Next Generation

Kotaku has a story out today about the newest Pokemon (character, above) signaling the beginning of the new Pokemon (game, movie). This is now the FIFTH generation of Pokemon games and, probably, characters. While the last time I complained about the ever expansive nature of the franchise and yearned for the days of only 150 characters I have come to realize now that this is no longer being made for me so in reality who gives a flying fuck.

The whole situation reminded me of the Power Rangers franchise. One which I grew up with, thoroughly enjoyed and was soon disappointed with. Like with Pokemon my main problem was the move from the original characters to replacements which threatened the very show I loved. I was pissed off when three original rangers were replaced, little that I know that the reason they were being replaced was because they wanted more money.

I was also angry when the Might Morphin' Power Rangers became the Zeo (or whatever) Rangers. Again, little that I know that this was inevitable as the entire show was nothing more than a repurpose of a Japanese show that had been running for thirty years each year changing the costumes and even the protagonists. Had I known this maybe I would have been more inclined to roll with the punches, instead I ended up letting go of my obsession. Of course the fact that puberty was around the corner and I was attending a school with mandatory uniforms didn't hurt either.

But getting back to Pokemon: its now gotten to the point where not only myself but two or three other generations are just about over it yet it continues to thrive as one of Nintendo's most important franchises. The reason is obvious: it finds new markets (you know like capitalism has to necessarily do according to Marx), new kids to which to advertise and to give them something new they add new characters. This makes them feel special while simultaneously giving the older obsessive some more to obsess about.

Loser of the week: A little late on this but its Jim Caldwell. Congrats mate you lost the Superbowl while having the best quarterback in the history of the league on your team. That doesn't happen, it shouldn't happen, Peyton Manning only loses to the Chargers in the playoffs and with the Chargers out of the way you rode the easiest way to the big game possibly ever and you...become more conservative than George W. Bush in 2004 and call some horrible plays. You were up 10-0 go for the fucking jugular! but no, you let the nervous Saints back in and now its gonna be Mardi Gras all year long. Congrats man, you probably wont be back.

Picture Post 10

I've been on a real patriotic kick lately. Not sure if its because of my recent conversation to American citizenship or because I've been watching John Adams or because I've begun to appreciate a Sam Adams. So on to the military. We have the most badass military either because of or in spite of having a convoluted military industrial complex. Either way the real people who to go war are the soldiers and not the corporations, this here is one badass American soldier.

Inspired by or the inspiration for Ghost?

708 Words on Super Street Fighter IV

Some Super Street Fighter 4 updates.

Capcom has revealed the box art, some new character sketches, a release date and a ton more information about the upcoming title. The main theme of all these updates has been general disappointment. Nothing extraordinary is in the works, nothing that merits a $50 price tag for a "new" game which is made up mostly of "improvements" to an existing title. In other words so far it really does look like a money grab. Let's look at these things individually.

The new art is horrible. Yes I talked about it before, when it was first released and I was liking it at the time. But the stuff I've seen recently is beyond atrocious especially considering what the art for SF4 looked like or even what Udon is doing with the franchise. This new style, that looks like either pastels or cloth depending on how high you are, has no dynamism at all. There is no sense of action, of movement, the characters look bland, uninspired and deformed. By god look at what they did to poor Zangief!

This leads directly to the box art which is nothing more than a copy and paste of the previously mentioned character art. It's beyond boring, nothing is happening on that box. The Japanese and European boxes are a bit better but not great either, just simple photoshops of characters. They should have created something unique for the box instead of relying on clip art. How about a cover with just one character? and how about this: make that character NOT Ryu? if you insist on getting Cammy in there at all costs why not just give her the cover, or Guile, or fuck it take the SF4 cover and substitute Ryu and Ken for two of the new characters.

Speaking of new characters, nothing has been revealed since Adon, Cody and Guy and that was a few months ago. Last year even! We pretty much know that the other characters will be Dudley, Makoto, Ibuki and a new guy called Hakan. Here's the thing: I don't care for any of these. Honest. I've never played them, had they gone with a character I've actually used and mastered (Remy, Necro, Juli, Juni) I might actually be excited. And the new character? when I heard it was gonna be an Arab fighter I was way happy, then I saw what is possibly a picture of him and....its a guy in a gi. Another fucking guy in a gi? what makes him Arab? is it a special gi? Frustrating.

The other big thing: new ultras, new outfits. Some of these are gonna be great, Cammy in a tiny Bison outfit? yes please. Zangief as Colossus? of course! Dhalsim in traditional Brahmin garb? I'll take two. New ultras? also a plus but for someone who loves visuals and art as much as I do That's really a secondary bonus. The thing about it is these could have been downloadable! I would pay good money to see these costumes in Street Fighter 4. Hell I already did it once. The new characters could have been downloadable also, it would have been much more difficult to pull off sure but if Soul Calibur did it I'm sure Capcom can do it also.

See the main problem here is we're gonna be paying (a lot) of money for what amounts to DLC and a repurchase of the original game. There is not $50 worth of newbies in Super Street Fighter 4, that would be impossible. It's also not a new game yet they want me to spend the same money I spent for Modern Warfare 2. I don't fucking get it, is Ghost gonna be a playable character? I didn't think so.

So in the end: it'll be worth it once it trickles down to $15 on Amazon. Which is only fair because the announcement of this game made my SF4 worth about that much. I'm sure it'll sell like hotcakes to the rest of the Street Fighter nerds (my fellow nerds I should say) but I'm simply gonna have to pass (for now at least). There are too many good new games out there and this is merely good bonus content for a game I already own.

Vampires, Weekend

Castlevania (64) wasn't a very good game. I mean it wasn't horrible but it came out at a time (the late 90's) in which the video game industry was going through a transition from sidescrollers to the full on 3D sandbox games that characterize the current generation of platforms. As such Castlevania was a third person linear adventure game set in a world of highly polygonized walls and villains. Hard to believe that at a certain point it retailed for $70.

One of the things that sets this title apart from similar games of its time as well as other Castlevanias is the inclusion of the character of a young blue haired psychic girl that goes by the name of Carrie Fernandez. Now lets set aside the fact that that name is a horrible attempt at diversity and think about what the inclusion of such character meant for the franchise. Castlevania has always been a game in which a sword, whip or axe wielding blonde man with long hair walked through dungeons in search of a dracula. This game included such a character but also this young girl who had no axe, no sword but could throw magic balls of light.

What was the purpose of this? I'm sure they made it fit in to the story but why? was it a relatively early attempt to get female players interested? or was it a vain attempt at getting fanboys even more interested? I've no clue.

As far as character design is concerned Carrie isn't that interesting: typical anime inspired too young girl with big eyes and ambiguous hairstyle. Nothing to get the fanboys too excited, especially considering that far more risque characters existed at the time. She did shoot projectiles which meant she had a longer reach then the other guy but it wasn't so much of an advantage that one would consider her a cheap character.

But getting back to the actual gameplay, yes it was choppy as fuck and yes the camera was worthless but it did have some worthwhile moments, the bosses were pretty freakish and (if I remember correctly) pretty big. I seem to also recall potions and shit but this was ten years ago so most likely I'm thinking of something else.

Whatever happened to Castlevania? I don't know if more games have been released in the new consoles. Not buying a big fan of the series I don't really care to keep track. The only other Castlevania I remember playing is Castlevania Legends for the Game Boy. We're talking about black and white, brick game boy too. That title also had a female protagonist. You know with the whole Twilight and Vampire fad that seems to be running amok these days someone should really think about bringing this series back.

Stages: Sagat

Note: the title should be read as a parody of David Bowie's "Changes" (i.e Staaa aages)

We reach the penultimate of the original 12 Street Fighter 2 characters' stages. Sagat was demoted from being the boss in the first game to the boss's right hand man in the second edition, a demotion that would forever haunt him as Bison became the default final characters while Sagat remained marred as nothing more than Ryu's evil yet respected enemy.

It just so happens that the Thailand stage is my favourite in the entire game. There is something about the giant angled sleeping Buddha statue in the background which conveys a sort of majesty that certainly goes with the character even if it doesn't necessarily go with the country. To a kid playing these games when they came out wasn't about going to Thailand because it was full of sleeping giant statues, it was the mysticism attached to the statue, how that statue defined a particular religion, a religion that was completely different from what we grew up with.

Though curiousity about Eastern philosophy wasn't the reason why this stage was my favourite. It was mainly the aesthetics of it. The way the giant Buddha reigned over the entire screen in its somber sleep at an angle that looked almost 3D in the middle of the 2D gaming world. Besides it's not like you would see a lot of it. It was a pain in the ass to get to Sagat and once you did it you'd beat him in one or two tries and then you wouldn't see it again.

I suppose its safe to assume that Sagat is a Buddhist. All of that way of the warrior junk that he shares with Ryu, how they're both looking for nothing more then a challenge because they're so badass certainly would help the assumption. How such a warrior ended up being Bison's second is certainly beyond my comprehension but he did and now is merely second fiddle. Is this a metaphor for the country of Thailand? no.

So lets get back to the giant statue. A Buddha statue representing a Buddhist country makes sense, while it certainly not the only thing that defines the country but by choosing only one aspect and doing it right they managed to make the stage especially noteworthy. Yes they could have gone with a beach scene but that could be anywhere from Phuket to Acapulco. Yes there are giant Buddha statues in other countries but there is no fighter from Myanmar.

What was Thailand up to in 1989? I'm not gonna pretend that I know but the Buddhism thing is still going on today as it was in 1989 and way before that. By choosing to convey a timeless attribute they've turned a country that is otherwise known for knock off soccer jerseys into an ethereal landscape that will forever remain unchanged. You know just like Sagat's obsession with fighting and shit.

The story as the series progressed is the same with almost every other character. Capcom moved away from individual stages in favor of random locales which could be just about anywhere. At some point the fight was held at the statues feet, though I can't figure out if thats a legit Street Fighter game or some MUGEN stage. It's a shame too because individual stages based on the old ones with today's technology would have been the balls. It might be making a comeback in Super Street Fighter IV but I'm not to happy with how thats turning out to really care. More on that in a future post.

Bad Name, Bad Product?

Today Apple unveiled the horribly named iPad to the waiting arms of the Internet. Now once we move away from the "sounds like a maxi pad" jokes (yes finally, iTampon is a trending topic on twitter) we can begin to see what this new Jesus device will mean to the gaming world as a whole. Both to the game companies, the game developers and, perhaps most importantly, the gamers.

I'm not one to talk about specs because I didn't waste six years of my life getting a political science degree so become an expert on fancy computer words so lets talk about the looks and the possibilities. As was expected its basically a big iPhone, it looks like a big iPhone, it comes with pretty much the same built in features (except no camera on and phone so really its a big iPod Touch) and can run all the apps that are currently available. It can also be catalogued as half a laptop but that's not exactly true.

Because it can run any app it already has a huge library of games before its even launched. More games can, of course, be downloaded at a price that is way cheaper then other handhelds. The drawback? well like its smaller cousin it has to buttons. The iPhone can work its way around that with screen joysticks and other nonsense but the iPad is bigger and will be more clumsy when it comes to playing games in this manner. Games in which you tilt the screen or slide shit across shouldn't be such a big problem, just a matter of getting used to the device's bigger real estate.

The iPad can play games with the screen size the size of an iPhone or the screen can expand to cover the whole iPad screen. How in the hell one plays a joystick game with the small screen centered on the tablet is beyond me. There's also the issue of the games themselves, their small price and indie nature usually mean that graphically they're not the greatest. The iPhone has its limitations game wise and bringing those to a bigger screen will make them, well, bigger. Not to say that indie equals bad, on the contrary indie usually equals innovation, but does the absence of actual legit developers demerit the system? does it demerit the industry? it might. But then again graphical improvements and all that hoopla should be the domain of Microsoft and Sony.

As a handheld console it doesn't pose much of a threat to the DS and PSP. Why? because the iPod touch and iPhone already do that. The tablet will be a sort of middle ground between the handhelds and the home consoles, not quite fitting into either category. Think of it as a Virtual Boy without its doomed limitations. Yes it will eat its share of the market but its not an alternative to any of the handhelds, its a lot more and it appeals to a completely different crowd. This isn't something some dude will get for their nine year old to keep him quiet during car rides, this'll be something that dude will buy for himself for other reasons and use it for gaming only because it has the feature.

What about the device as a substitute for everything else. FUCK! think about reading a book, a magazine, a comic on it. Think about watching TV, a movie, surfing the web. When the iPhone came out it was the greatest thing ever (it still is) because you can do all the above stuff on a device that fits in your pocket. Now take the iPhone and make it bigger and suddenly watching movies and reading your rss feeds dont require you to squint at a small screen anymore. But it also no longer fits in your pocket so dragging it around with you is a real commitment.

So whats the verdict? I have no fucking clue. I havent seen it, I havent used it. I've read great reviews but also feel its not exactly groundbreaking, astounding or necessary. The miracle was the iPhone so this is mainly a beefed up version of the miracle. It also doesn't fix the iPhone's biggest problem: multitasking. This might be its downfall. It's not a motherbox, its not war machine designed to guide missiles into enemy territory (though I'm sure therell be an app for that) what it is is a piece of nerd porn, a status symbol which screams you're either part of the it crowd or you just drank the kool aid. It's a non entity which doesn't belong to any category but doesn't fill any need.

If Video Games Were Named....

College Humor has been surprisingly funny and less fratboy-ish lately. It's surprising actually, I used to have to be a 6 foot tall white guy from a red state to enjoy it but now it regularly features shit that even my sophisticated asocial persona finds appealing.

For example see today's "If videogames were named after the phrases said most while playing them" feature. I have found myself saying that exact phrase when playing Modern Warfare 2 though the one I've said most times (in multiplayer) has to be "oh a grenade launcher? HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL!!!!" and "I'm shooting you in the fucking head! Why WONT YOU DIE!" But I'm sure that's just me.

So go to the link and see a few more. Unfortunately it's literally only a few more, get to work College Humor!

Link

Loser of (Last) Week
-San Diego football fans. Why? WHY!!! do you do this to us every fucking year Chargers? Jesus Christ, so much promise followed up by so much mediocrity. It's sad! the Pats have three SuperBowls, The Colts possibly two, Big Ben has two and we have exactly nothing. Well we have the best team in the league but we have nothing to show for it. I'm almost tempted to refer to our team as the Buffalo Bills of the '00s but the Bills at least went to the SuperBowl.

Guns n' Irony

This is my Tar 21 Assault Rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. And so on and so forth. Ive grown accustomed to using the Tavor Assault Rifle as my default weapon in Modern Warfare 2's online multiplayer so much so that all of my customized classes use the rifle with differing scopes, attachments, special grenades etc etc.

Of course thats not actually my Tar 21, mine is often times decked in urban, digital or forestry camo. Coming soon: blue and red tiger!. Also mine is contained squarely inside a video game and not, you know, in real life.

Now to the irony! before even getting the rifle I named my classes as follows: Jihadi, Hezbollah, Hamas, Sandinista, Partizan. Great names, all related to different militias and/or revolutionary and/or resistance groups either of the socialist or Arab nationalist persuasion. I'm not just doing for the names, you see, I actually know about these groups, I've studied them, I understand the implications of having them present. I'm not necessarily in favour of any of these groups but I am aware of them. It's not a tribute, its mostly an acknowledgement.

This isn't the ironic part, the irony is that the Tar 21 is an Israeli weapon, used prominently by the Israeli Defense Forces against, among other groups, Hezbollah and Hamas. Ha! Ok maybe its not ha ha funny but it is certainly noteworthy. Obviously there's no political statement being made here. In the eternal struggle between the Israelis and the Palestinians who is right? I don't know. I don't side with either of them really. Certainly nobody is right when blood is being shed for moral or religious reasons but thats neither the scope of this post or of this blog.

And that is that. I haven't written about MW in a while so I thought I'd bring the topic back. I'm getting better at it. Now instead of killing four baddies and being killed 22 times its more like a 12-12 ratio which won't get you an atomic bomb but its good enough for third or fourth place.

Pokemon!

double psyduck ftw

Lets talk about Pokemon today. I dont believe there has ever been anything that went from fad to phenomenon to lame to retro cool in such a small span as Pokemon did. If I remember correctly it came to America roughly ten years ago, it was massive on the Game Boy and it was a merchandising juggernaut. There was Pokemon in everything from school supplies to macaroni to cars because demand was so ridiculous. Of course the crown jewel of the entire thing were the Pokemon cards whose main achievement was to set the stage for Yu Gi Oh and spawn a disturbing number of Wizards of the Coast stores. Ah the late 90's!

I was of course a nerd hooked on the whole thing even in the 7th and 8th grade. Yes I have a shit ton of Pokemon cards (some of my favourites) and yes I went to see the first movie on its release day and yes I left it all behind as soon as I found a girlfriend who would not have any of that shit. I once spent $25 on a Charizard card and guess what? I don't regret it. But it all ended, just like my Power Rangers obsession before it, when they got too cute, when they started getting greedy, specifically when the 150 monster roster ballooned into an unwielding beast which now probably numbers in the 500s.

The main problem is that the first 150 characters seemed to all have distinct personalities and designs, the later designs started getting lazy. Sure there were some standouts but for the most part the basic design session probably consisted of someone either finding a plant or an animal, painting it a weird color and then adding unnecessary zig zags and swatches and spikes and doodads. Not only did it get difficult to keep track of all the new characters but it also became boring. I mean except for Mudkips and this guy every character after Mewtwo is a fucking alien looking ponce.

But it made a comeback! usually for something to become retro cool at least two decades have to pass. Take the 80's: everybody fuckin loves Thundercats, the NES and so on. That retro cool fad hit its apotheosis in the 2000's, two decades later. Pokemon has made a comeback only a decade into its prominence in America. Now its cool to like oldschool Pokemon, its hip, so much so that my artsy girlfriend even wears a Pikachu shirt happily! (well maybe not happily). The franchise has made a remarkable comeback and its still holding strong in its earnest, non-ironic side.

So was Pokemon good? fuck yeah. It brought anime to America in a way that DragonBall and Sailor Moon couldn't. It brought the Japanese tradition of heavy merchandising, it made the religious zealots uneasy, it made nerds to collected them all Gods and those who didn't pussies. It turned boys into men and prevented this guy from getting laid. Pokemon!

Alive Forever

Alive 4 Ever is a game that borrows heavily from the Xbox 360 title Left 4 Dead. From the zombierrific premise to the inclusion of a 4 in the title this iPhone game is basically an over the top (as in the camera is on top) version of the Left 4 Dead without the camaraderie that the Xbox title is able to achieve on its Live multiplayer.

We can go on and on about how much Alive 4 Ever borrows from Left 4 Dead but that wouldn't be any fun. The actual game though: lots of fun! ok maybe not "lots" but it is sorta fun. It's customizable as fuck, four different characters representing at least three ethnicities and at least two genders, hoards of zombies coming at you, loads of weapons, 30 stages. For an iPhone game its huge. It's fun, and I believe its like a dollar so have at it.

But the real reason for the post? I was playing this thing today and as I was scrolling through the available characters I passed by the one pictured above (the girl) and it turns out her name is Anna Lennox. For some strange fucking reason my immediate thought was "Isn't that the singer for the Eurythmics?" now I'm not a fan of the Eurythmics and I seriously doubt that I've ever conscientiously listened to a Eurythmics song but it turns out that yeah, their singer is Annie Lennox. Well played Alive 4 Ever. Your move Eurythmics.

Anyway, not much more to say, I give this game six out of seven stars.

Tetris! in First Person!

Well prepare to get nauseous. Someone has finally taken Tetris and made it into a first person game. Now this doesn't mean you'll be maneuvering a figure composed of four squares through an urban warfare setting armed only with a gun and the knowledge that you can always respawn. No, it means that now its the screen doing the rotating and not the figure.

It's fun, sure, but it also makes you want to throw up. The upside? well its a new spin to Tetris and its free to play. It's not available on a console or iphone (yet) all you have to do is go to the following link. It'll transport you to a magical place in which TV screens were still square, the NES was the balls and Maxell had the recordable VHS market cornered.

First Person Tetris

Power Ups

Alright today we take a look at the new power ups available in Super Mario Bros Wii. We do not spend time on mushrooms, invincibility stars, Yoshi or the kick ass fire flower because those are not exclusive nor new to this game. Sure its very much the case that the fire flower is the greatest power up ever, and it remains so in this game, but for now we take a look at the three new upgrades.

The Ice Flower - Like the fire flower but instead of throwing little fire pellets Mario, Luigi and their unnamed fungi cohorts throw (get ready for it) ice. The ice freezes enemies but it does not eliminate them automatically. Instead the player has the ability to pick up the newly created ice block and hurl it at someone or something. This does come in handy sometimes but I'd rather just have the baddie gone for good. The other upside to the ice is that some baddies that are immune to the fire pellets are frozen by the ice (bones, bullets, thwomps come to mind). I'm happy to report that Boo remains immune to just about everything.

Penguin Suit - Well its tradition that Mario turns into some sort of animal and for this game that animal is a penguin. When dressed as a penguin Mario walks funny, is able to throw ice projectiles like with the ice flower and is able to swim faster and more easily. Underwater it basically serves the same purpose as the frog suit did in Mario 3. Its great for swimming, its as good as the ice flower but it unfortunately does not help with the slippery floors in the ice world. This severely devalues this power up, its sparse availability devalues it even further.

Propeller Suit - The best new power up in the game. It comes in a form of a mushroom that flies up when it pops out of the power block. Once caught Mario dons a red speed suit with a pretty cool helmet (with a propeller at the top of it) that allows Mario to fly up and then float down in a semi controllable fashion. Yes previous games allowed full on directional flight while this only lets you basically jump really long distances but its still really useful in certain situations. This game has an unusually large amount of platforms and shit that moves, if you have a propeller mushroom you can just fly from safe spot to safe spot. Ii you're playing multiplayer you only need one suit to get through. The amount of awesome in this powerup is truly difficult to quantify.

So there it is. We've seen weirder stuff in previous games, flying raccoons, Terminator Mario, Giant Mario, Tiny Mario (which returns in this game) so a flying suit and ice flowers really arent out of the ordinary. Poweups have always added to the individual charm of each Mario game, these new additions represent the Wii version well.

Loser of the Week: The American people in 1998. Turns out Mark McGwire used steroids for the longer part of his career including the Home Run chase of 1998. In other news the Earth is round, the sky is blue. In retrospect we were duped into thinking we were witnessing history, in fact we were witnessing the apex of the steroid era. I don't have an issue with the whole "cheating" thing because technically steroids were legal at the time but it still kinda sucks when we consider that even though Babe Ruth and Roger Maris were doing it in simple times they were also doing it on nothing but beer and hot dogs.

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Not sure whats going on here? yeah me neither.

Go here for the answer. (nsfw unless you work at a factory that allows, nay celebrates, 8 bit nudity).

Dirty Pirate, Poet

You know you're a video game nerd when someone asks you something about the great Spanish writer Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra and you automatically picture his namesake from the Soul Calibur series.

Ok I'll grant you that Miguel de Cervantes is an obscure character to most Americans, especially to those Americans preoccupied with fighting games but I'm not most Americans. I (almost) minored in Spanish in college, I took and mastered AP classes in both Spanish Language and Literature! I'm the cousin of a pretentious poser who every year goes to the Mexican bourgeois booze and book fest known as the "Cervantino". I should know better.

But Cervantes (the character) has a certain charm to him. I remember my first encounter with him and the soul series, playing at a ragtag arcade establishment in Tijuana after school. Of course the original Soul Blade was primitive by today's standards but it looked amazing then. The inclusion of a Spanish named character was something to be amazed about, it didnt matter that he was essentially just a dirty pirate, he was still essentially a badass and in an odd way he represented "my people". It was the beginning of an odd fascination/love for the series which goes on up to today.