Minimum Carnage

I have to admit I thought of that title before even thinking of this entry. Minimum Carnage. Har har.

Maximum Carnage is a game for the SNES that came out in the mid 90's. As such, and like the JLA game we reviewed not too long ago, it offers a foray into the world of superheroes as envisioned in that horrifying decade. Namely big muscles, big explosions, misogyny and Rob Liefeld.

The game is based off the eponymous comic book event Marvel published in 1993 which saw Spider Man teaming up with the quintessential 90's anti-hero: Venom to destroy a much meaner version of Venom, if you will, the red gooey whatsit known as Carnage. I've never actually read this thing but I imagined that what ensued was full of testosterone and machismo.

To say that this game sucks would be unfair. It is, after all, a product of its time and even though its primary objective was to cash in on the successful comic book it does offer yet another version of the 3/4 beat-em-up. And as a member of such a fraternity it is fairly indistinguishable from the Double Dragon's and Turtles in Time's of its day. The graphics are good enough, as one would expect this is a colorful world with characters that take up a good chunk of the screen, and fighting moves that are on par with the fighters and beat em ups of the time.

But the drawbacks are too many to make this game worthwhile. The baddies are as repetitive as you would expect, you basically fight through New York beating up what appear to be old homeless men, punk teenagers and women. Yep Spider Man beats up on women in this one. When you reach the end of a level you fight a boss who is usually someone from Spider Man's rogue gallery. In the end, I assume, you take on Carnage himself.

The game is also unbelievably cheap. The lesser thugs will gang up on you and kick your ass solely because they have a numbers advantage. Yes you can eliminate these guys easily enough but not when you're punching one and another one decides to drop kick you from behind. The odd thing is this is labeled as a Spider Man-Venom game but its not two player, instead you have the ability (in some stages) to use Venom but for the most part its just you and Spidey. Had they made this a two player game the action would be much less frustrating. As it stands there are limited heals, you only get three lives and just one continue.

In later stages you can get some help from other superheroes but their help is limited and you actually have to get to these stages with your three lives and one continue. It's frustrating, its not worth the time and effort and it looks like they tried to sell this thing solely on the basis of its cartridge being red. Yes the cartridge is kickass but the gaming is the equivalent of being stabbed in the eye with a pencil.

Justice League Taskforce

Justice League Task Force is without a doubt a product of its time. You blow on the cartridge, put it into the slot, slide the power button and you're immediately transported back to the mid 90's. Sure it was a great time in general: pre 9/11, economic prosperity, new weekly episodes of both Full House and Family Matters, the apex of the Atlanta Braves dynasty. But for the comic book industry it was actually the dark ages.

The 90's will always be marred by the rise of the uber masculine superhero as first envisioned by Image Comics (google Rob Liefeld) and later adapted by both of the big two. Whereas the 80's signaled a revolution towards the anti hero, towards imperfect, often imbalanced heroes the 90's gave us loads of steroids, bad hair and unparalleled machismo. It wasn't pretty.

Not to say that JLA Taskforce isnt pretty: for a mid 90's game the character design is nice, with colorful, beefy sprites that take up a significant amount of TV real estate, nice background stages and decent music the game could justifiable be found at your local KMart for thirty bucks.

Where it falls apart is in the gameplay department. Like all fighting games of the era it tries to be Street Fighter but the action is too choppy and random to merit such a comparison. The six available characters (and three bosses) all play the same, they all (except one) have a charging attack and projectiles which can all be used with the hadoken command. Boring. Street Fighter tried to give us different fighting styles, JLA Taskforce takes two of those styles and applies them to known superheroes and calls it a game.

And a very difficult game at that! n00bs will soon be changing the difficulty setting when they discover that even the first character in the story is impossible to beat on medium. All of these characters fight cheap: you jump they throw you a projectile, you throw a projectile they jump kick you, before you realize it your life meter is flashing and you're about to die.

But lets get back to the available characters, shit lets break them down one by one:

Superman: the mere thought that anybody can challenge a guy that flies, has laser vision and is stronger then hell is laughable but I guess he's fighting fair here.

Batman: I fucking love Batman.

The Flash: not cool hat Flash but rather spandex muscles 90's Flash. Oh by the way Joe Higashi called he wants his tornado attack back.

Wonder Woman: because you need to have a woman in here. (Cheetah is also in it as a boss).

Aquaman: D'you wanna get high Aquaman???

Green Arrow: Wait Green Arrow is in this? holy fuck talk about your unlikely inclusions! yes I knew he was in it, yes this is the reason why I bought this game. Any more questions?

Like I said the stages are very easy on the eyes, from the Daily Planet globe to Aquaman's underwater Aquatic Justice center, even Batman's Gotham is as dark and pretentious as he is. By the way Green Arrow fights in the forest. Really? the forest? it's like the developers had never heard of Green Arrow but they figured since he looks like Robin Hood then he must be Robin Hood.

Oh shit, how about the story? its pretty easy to follow: Darkseid has declared war on earth (this is literally what it says) and its up to the JLA to fuck him up. Obviously the JLA is up to it and they go about doing it by....fighting against each other? try to figure that one out.

All in all a very interesting game that might be incredibly frustrating but is cool nonetheless. A DC fighting game is by definition kinda fun, especially since it wouldn't happen again until they struck a deal with Mortal Kombat to try to make both franchises relevant again.

Two Big Revelations

A clearer and somewhat contradictory picture of new Street Fighter Hakan surfaced today. The Arab fighter is now Turkish and instead of being a white haired, dark skinned version of Abel he now has a mustache. I've always said that we need more mustaches in video games. Sure Mario has a mustache and he's the biggest character in video games but still: you can never have too many mustaches.

The picture is pixely, its blurry, it looks like someone took a cellphone camera to take a pic of a non-HD screen but that's beside the point. From what I can tell he looks badass and a welcome addition to the roster. I might complain a lot about this game but the now six new characters (Abel, Viper, Fuerte, Rufus, Juri and Hakan) all turned out pretty good.

And the second announcement: Power Girl is coming to DCU online. When I think of Power Girl one thing comes to mind: Boob Window. I don't really like the character and thats probably the main reason why, the boob window seems too gratuitous, too unnecessary even in a medium (comics) in which females are typically represented wearing next to nothing. The fact that Power Girl has a rack that can only lead to back problems and a mom haircut doesn't help either.

Honestly, she looks like needs to put some jeans and a polo on and drive Supergirl to soccer practice. Kotaku says that Power Girl is a counterpart to Supergirl but she looks more like her mom, I guess she was created for those nerds who are more into cougars. I don't play DCU online so they the announcement means nothing to me, still thought I'd share.

More Power Girl pics at Kotaku
Full story on Hakan at Hadoken

For my Homie

Let me take a moment to pour some of my 40 on the curb for my homie Ghost. Today while on assignment in an estate looking for information on a known terrorist in Russia we were both gunned down by a fucking traitor who then proceeded to steal our information and burn us alive with gasoline. To add insult to injury he lighted the fire using his cigar. Fucking ponce.

Ghost was a consummate badass who saved my life a couple of times and led us to success in more than a few missions. His impeccable leadership and knowledge of computers and jails got us through that crazy stage where we broke a bloke out of prison. His trademark skull mask scared the shit out of enemy combatants. Fuck he even has his own comic book! but now he's dead and he's (probably) not coming back.

Motherfuck that Shepherd guy. Now I'm gonna have to kill him.

Loser of the Week: Time Magazine. You named Ben Bernanke the person of the year? why? for not fucking up the economy even more? I thought his job was to fix this thing, it doesn't look like its getting fixed. Well unless you're a Wall Street CEO who's bonus is protected by the government. Good job Time Magazine, just two years ago you picked another consummate badass (Putin), last year you picked the most powerful man in the world (Obama) and this year you pick some moron. You shoulda picked the guys who created Twitter but you pussied out.

Some Green Arrow

Today we talk about the history of one of my favourite comic book characters in video games. I'm talking about the Green Arrow. More than being a poor man's Batman, the Green Arrow has always struck me as simply a more leftist alternative to the Dark Knight. While their respective back stories might be similar Green Arrow actually cares about poor people, druggies, politics and so on while Batman is happiest when he gets to spy on citizens and beat up baddies. To each his own.

The main draw of both of these heroes, however, is that they're more based on reality than the Superman's and Green Lanterns of the world. This is where the fraternity and similarities between Arrow and Batman end however. While Batman has a huge following and large multimedia presence Green Arrow's appearances have been limited to comic books and Smallville. On the one hand this means that those of us who like the character get nerd cred for being fans of a more obscure character but on the other hand there is always the latent possibility that the book won't sell enough and get canceled. Batman doesn't get canceled.

Thus there is no list of old video games in which Green Arrow has appeared, no beloved classic that made him thousands of fans, no beloved classic to look back upon and remember what a long tradition of Green Arrow video games there is. Nope, none of that. BUT because it can't all be Batman and Superman DC recently made Green Arrow a playable character in its MMORPG DC Universe Online. So now do we not only finally get to see Olly in video game form but we also get to play as him in an online multiplayer full of thousands of Batman's. For a small fee. Woo Hoo!

My cynicism is unwarranted. I don't play MMORPG's so I can't appreciate their awesomeness, but I do appreciate DC finally doing something with my favourite character. And for that here's a gallery of screens from the game. This probably won't lead to a blockbuster movie deal (though I could see Olive Queen in the Nolan Batman...) but its a step up from the usual. For now it's probably for the best that he remain a cult favourite, overexposure has a way of ruining obscure characters, right Deadpool?

Toyworks.

What the fuck is it with frontmen of emo bands writing comic books? first Gerard Way creates Umbrella Academy which, despite the fact that it was written by the frontman of an emo band, is one of the best comics I've ever read, and now Pete Wentz, Pete fuckin Wentz, decides he wants in on the action too?

I went down the the LCS today to pick up Deadpool and the final issue of Young Liars. First of all what a fucking shame that Young Liars ended after only 18 books, what the fuck? sure it got weird but it was a great read. The point is since it was the last issue I decided to look around for a replacement, my eyes were fixated on Fallout: Toyworks not only for its brilliant art but also because it was the premier issue (also, its not a big 2 book).

I bought it with little hesitation then decided to check what it was about on my phone, after I saw that Pete Wentz was a part of the creative team I nearly walked right back. I mean its not like they try to hide it: the guy's name is on the cover, it says "inspired by the music of Fallout Boy", it says "FOB" presents and it has the word "fallout" in the fucking title. Somehow I missed all of this.

After actually reading it, I'm happy to say that it doesn't suck. First of all the story is an obvious take on classic sci-fi memes: Stepford Wives, 100%, Sky Doll and so on. Secondly, Pete Wentz' name is on this thing to appeal to a certain crowd, his music is only an "inspiration" (and fuck if I know if thats the case, I havent listened to Fallout Boy since Milhouse played him on the Simpsons) its not like in the case of Umbrella Academy where Way thought up the concept, characters and universe and then took them to Gabriel Ba and Dark Horse to make it happen, so even that comparison is flawed.

Ok I may just be trying to rationalize my enjoyment of the book but fuck it,the emo crowd and the comic nerd crowd do not have that much crossover, so why promote this book using that guy's name? I bought it for the art, more people will buy it for the story, the pandering to a crowd is unnecessary. Then again we do live in an era in which good comics are canceled all the time due to poor sales.

This wont be the next Umbrella Academy but hopefully it is successful, hopefully its a good story (its already an interesting concept) and hopefully Image realizes that they dont need Pete fuckin Wentz to sell it. Of course I'm not saying what Fallout Boy is a bad thing (I just happen to not like them) nor am I arguing against new ideas for the comic book world, what I am saying is that it is utterly ridiculous that Wentz gets so much credit for it, to the extent that the books true creators, writer Brett Lewis and artist Sam Basri, get to play second fiddle.

(by the way I do realize the irony, which is intentional, of having the names of those two guys all the way at the end of the post while Mr. Ashlee Simpson's name is plastered all over the entry)

Lady Pictures

A few days ago I mentioned the Darkstalkers tribute book and how its cover ruins and potentially cheapens the quality and importance of the entire thing. I believe my exact words were:

"I realize that Darkstalkers is a franchise known primarily for having half naked cat ladies and succubi and though I dare not ask artists to tone it down did they really need to increase it?... look at that fuckin cover? way to rob the book of any dignity by featuring such a prominent thong"

Good to see copying from blogger keeps the links by the way. The point is both gaming and comic book nerds get a bad rap because their interests are so male oriented that creators often overdo it when it comes to the sexual nature of their products. This has been a problem since the beginning for comic books because art was not technologically limited in the golden era of comics as it was for video games. While I am sure that Capcom, for example, wanted to create some really realistic thunderthighs for Chun Li they simply could not do it in the 1980's.

I write this because I recently ran into an example similar to that of the Darkstalkers book. The image above is part of the cover for New Avengers: The Reunion #1. Its a very nice drawing of Hawkeye and (his wife? girlfriend?) Mockingbird, so nice in fact that it made me curious as to what the book was about, but not nice enough to make me cheat on Green Arrow.

I did my research and found the title and the complete cover. My reaction was pretty close to this:


Complete fucking disappointment. As you can see the cover suffers from the exact same problem as the Darkstalkers book: ridiculously unnecessary sexuality in the form of a female character wearing uncomfortable undergarments. Lets not get into the whole "shes a superhero, why would she wear that" argument, lets focus on the goal of the artist: get an ass shot in order to sell the book. Did it work? I can see many people (women) being insulted enough to forgo the book and the entire series (a five issue mini), I can see many going for the more subtle variant, even the stereotypical nerd.

I can also see myself not buying it and its not because I'm insulted by the site nor because I'm some sort of prude, in fact I'd argue that a well done cover girl is a good thing, but rather because I'm appalled at the fact that creators feel a need to appeal to the basest instincts of all nerds. Not to mention that, like with Darkstalkers, the inclusion of the ass focal point makes the cover very unattractive. Unfortunately with the Darkstalkers book there is no variant, the horrid cover will have to grace the bookshelfs of those of us who end up buying it, forever forcing us to explain how we're not, in fact, nerdy perverts but rather just consumers with limited choices.

As for the Avengers book, I never bought it nor I have any intention of doing so. Not just because of the stupid cover but because this whole Dark Reign is starting to become kinda grating: we get it: Norman Osborn owns the world, lets focus on improving Runaways and Deadpool now.

I Missed You, Comic Con

Its a bittersweet day at eightbitter this sunday. On the one hand Mexico scored five on the U.S to win the Gold Cup (wait, was that Canada?). They hadn't beaten the Americans on U.S soil since 1999, its nice to finally get that out of the way and maybe get the old self esteem up for the coming games and tournaments.

But on the other hand this is the last Sunday in July, the final day of the first Comic Con that I did not attend since 2004. We traditionally go on Sunday because there are fewer people (in theory) and everything is cheaper, this year, as I mentioned in an earlier post, no money means no Comic Con.

Now, I've tried to keep my Comic nerddom separate from the video gamer nerd that writes this blog and I've managed to be successful up until now. I'm about to break that vow so here it goes.

While I've been a Comic Book loser for the better part of my life I stopped reading them for about a six year period from 2001 to roughly 2007. There are many reasons for this, lets not get into it. The comic that brought me back was Runaways which, by the time I got into it, was already on its second volume with a grand total of issues in the neighbourhood of 40+. Not being one to miss out on stuff, and with some money to spare I set out to collect every single back issue and get caught up to the current issues.

Luckily Runaways was in a Joss Whedon phase and that motherfucker took about a year to release a five issue arc (you can really tell who wrote that book cant you?). In that year I managed to get every single issue (from different local comic shops, eBay, Comic Con, you name it) and get caught up. Why didnt I buy the trades you say? well because the hunt was as fun as the stories.

After the Whedon arc two other dudes got the book in what was a promising new volume. While the art was ok at first and the story was not horrible pretty soon it went south and the first 9 or so issues of that volume really are a dark time in Runaways history, starting with book 10, however, a new writing/artist team began work on the title and it has thus far been promising. The problem now is twofold: first my not attending the Con prevented me from buying this kickass print (which I can hopefully later buy online), second the Marvel solicits for October dont show a new Runaways issue which forces one to speculate and fear that the title might have been canceled. There is no official announcement so hopefully it was just an off month.

This obviously has nothing to do with video games, especially not old video games, but I felt like writing it down because the two worlds are vastly intertwined. Superhero games have been around forever and they continue to be made and improved. Though some have been horrible others promise to be outstanding. The very first issue of Runaways, in fact, begins with one of the characters playing a Marvel MMORPG, the series regularly features shout outs to video games, etcetera etcetera.

A Runaways game would also be some kind of nice but that probably wont happen, the series isn't as popular as the standards but there are talks of a movie in the works and that could begin some talk about a game. In the mean time what we are left with are artist interpretations of what could have been had Runaways existed in the glory days.

So, I guess that with some hesitation but a bit of excitement we now inaugurate the Comics tag.

w0ot!