Giana Sisters

Giana Sisters was originally a game for the Commodore or TurboGrafx or some other old gaming system which tried very hard to be Mario Brothers. To this end you control a blond girl who walks around hitting blocks, jumping on pipes and eliminating baddies by (you guessed it) jumping on them. Some of the blocks gave you the ability to transform into a red haired version of the girl with the ability to shoot fireballs. In other words its exactly like Mario.

In 2010 the game makes a comeback on another platform: the iPhone. The graphics have been updated, made much prettier actually. While the original game appears to feature grungy women from New Jersey the new sisters are younger, hipper and cuter. They look like little vinyl figurines. And even though its still largely a Mario clone this isn't such a negative thing seeing as how the platform will never see a legitimate Mario game. It's a healthy alternative, I'm not sure how ethical it is but its better than nothing.

Gameplay feels like Mario with the fireballs, jumping, tubes and whatnot. Graphics are pretty, its colourful, you collect jewels instead of coins, you jump through obstacles and face bosses who live in castles. There's lots to like and its varied enough (80+ levels) that you don't get either easily bored or beat it too quickly.

But it also has some problems. The main one is the buttons, because you're not physically touching buttons but rather a flat screen it is often difficult to determine how far a jump will take you, when you're supposed to jump and, worst of all, where the location of the buttons is so you often end up pressing a part of the screen with the wrong command or nothing in it. You lose all instinctive commands and you end up looking at the screen in order to not miss an input, have you ever looked at your hands to make sure youre pressing the fire trigger on an xbox controller when playing MW2? 'course not.

To be fair, however, this problem is not exclusive to this game, most of my bitching about iPhone games is largely because of their non physical buttons. One could safely assume, then, that the whole not having buttons thing does adversely affect iPhone games but apple was not about to sacrifice style for playability so the decision was made to go buttonless. Yes the iPhone is slick as fuck but the question has to be asked again whether its a true gaming platform or not.

Getting back to the actual game: what can I say? its fun. Sure it gets excruciatingly frustrating at times but thats how these things are. A little difficulty never hurt anybody. A solid two basilisks out of three.

Angry Birds FTW

Angry Birds is one of those games that you kinda cant put down. Not because the story is incredibly engaging, not because the gameplay is incredibly challenging nor because the art is amazing (even though it is) but rather because its so simple it makes you wonder why we need advancements in technology at all. It also makes you fear the Swedish: first ABBA, then IKEA now THIS?

The gameplay is as follows: a group of green, round pig-like creatures has kidnapped the eggs of a group of birds, this makes the birds angry (hence the name) and they vow to get revenge and their eggs back through the use of a slingshot and complex mathematical equations. There's no actual math, instead you shoot the different birds and try to defeat the pigs by eliminating them through the destruction of their many fortifications.

You start off with just a red cardinal whose sole ability is to shoot throw himself off a slingshot and wreak as much havoc as he possibly can but as the game progresses you unlock other birds including a blue jay who can split himself in three, an angry canary who can shoot himself with an extra boost, a raven whos actually a bomb and a pigeon that can shoot eggs. If there are any more I have yet to unlock them. Also I should point out that the species listed above are merely guesses I made based on the color of the birds.

The character design is fantastic, the colors are brilliant, each bird and pig has a unique shape (like my favourite: angry canary triangle) and a unique sound that it makes when it launches itself. Because each bird has different abilities and they're all different sizes the player has to develop strategies to find the best way to knock out the pigs the fastest. This can be incredibly frustrating but its also very rewarding once a seemingly impossible level is beaten.

Each level is different in both its design and the number and type of birds you get. No, its not up to you to decide which birds you get to use in each stage, its whatever the game picks and this adds significantly to the challenge because you cant ever just throw five bomb birds and hope you can explode away your problems.

All this for only one dollar. I've played Xbox games that are less fun (right Bullet Witch?).

Hipstamatic

Hipstamatic is hands down the greatest iPhone app ever made. Essentially its a camera app with a bunch of filters in the form of different camera lenses, flashes and film which make your pictures come out as nice retro looking little squares. The pictures come up with a character and a depth that is can only be achieved with the cameras of the sixties, seventies and eighties. No high definition, super megapixel finery. It's sweet and to the point.

The interface is pretty sweet: a plastic camera with a view finder, a flash button and some other crap. The standard package comes with three lenses, a standard flash and two or three films. Three more "hipstapacks" are available for purchase and after buying those you now have an entire package with (by my count) 216 different combinations all for a total of $5.

All of this just so I can justify showing that kickass picture of me in my Ghost mask. Yes I bought a Ghost mask. It comes straight from the UK (you know just like Ghost) and is completely badass even without the sunglasses, beanie and headphones which would complete the look. We still miss you Ghost.

RPG n' Poker

Sword & Poker is a game whose title gives me no choice but to believe that it was made by Chinese game developers. If this is indeed the case, and granted I am only one google search away from finding out, then we have lots to fear for because the Chinese have far surpassed us in ingenuity.

The game is so simple it makes me wish I had been brought up by an oppressive pseudo communist junta. A 5x5 grid in which cards are to be placed, two at a time with an initial setup of nine, in an effort to create poker hands. So lets say that the board currently has a Jack and two fives if you have another five and a jack you go ahead and place them and bam! full house.

Sure anybody could have thought of this (and I'm sure many folks have) but this game adds in tons of RPG elements that make it stand out from the detritus (thats the second time I've used that word since starting this blog btw) of card games across all gaming platforms. The player moves along dungeons full of baddies, he faces them in turn based combat and defeats them by getting good poker hands, depending on what the hand is is the amount of damage done: a single pair is weak while a straight, flush, straight flush or royal flush is the balls.

The player is able to purchase weapons, shields and other objects which help him (her?) along the way. Different weapons have different abilities and dish out different damage. You know like in any other decent RPG. There is a ton of strategy (from using magic to the ability to strategically pass your turn), the music is strangely reminiscent of early Zelda games and the art is top notch.

Overall its a nice little package whose ability to infuriate and frustrate is only surpassed by its ability to help pass the time while waiting on the bus and/or hospital waiting room.

A solid three golden apples out of four.

In other iPhone news: Capcom is releasing Street Fighter IV for the handheld system. No word yet as to what the fuck they are thinking.

Bad Name, Bad Product?

Today Apple unveiled the horribly named iPad to the waiting arms of the Internet. Now once we move away from the "sounds like a maxi pad" jokes (yes finally, iTampon is a trending topic on twitter) we can begin to see what this new Jesus device will mean to the gaming world as a whole. Both to the game companies, the game developers and, perhaps most importantly, the gamers.

I'm not one to talk about specs because I didn't waste six years of my life getting a political science degree so become an expert on fancy computer words so lets talk about the looks and the possibilities. As was expected its basically a big iPhone, it looks like a big iPhone, it comes with pretty much the same built in features (except no camera on and phone so really its a big iPod Touch) and can run all the apps that are currently available. It can also be catalogued as half a laptop but that's not exactly true.

Because it can run any app it already has a huge library of games before its even launched. More games can, of course, be downloaded at a price that is way cheaper then other handhelds. The drawback? well like its smaller cousin it has to buttons. The iPhone can work its way around that with screen joysticks and other nonsense but the iPad is bigger and will be more clumsy when it comes to playing games in this manner. Games in which you tilt the screen or slide shit across shouldn't be such a big problem, just a matter of getting used to the device's bigger real estate.

The iPad can play games with the screen size the size of an iPhone or the screen can expand to cover the whole iPad screen. How in the hell one plays a joystick game with the small screen centered on the tablet is beyond me. There's also the issue of the games themselves, their small price and indie nature usually mean that graphically they're not the greatest. The iPhone has its limitations game wise and bringing those to a bigger screen will make them, well, bigger. Not to say that indie equals bad, on the contrary indie usually equals innovation, but does the absence of actual legit developers demerit the system? does it demerit the industry? it might. But then again graphical improvements and all that hoopla should be the domain of Microsoft and Sony.

As a handheld console it doesn't pose much of a threat to the DS and PSP. Why? because the iPod touch and iPhone already do that. The tablet will be a sort of middle ground between the handhelds and the home consoles, not quite fitting into either category. Think of it as a Virtual Boy without its doomed limitations. Yes it will eat its share of the market but its not an alternative to any of the handhelds, its a lot more and it appeals to a completely different crowd. This isn't something some dude will get for their nine year old to keep him quiet during car rides, this'll be something that dude will buy for himself for other reasons and use it for gaming only because it has the feature.

What about the device as a substitute for everything else. FUCK! think about reading a book, a magazine, a comic on it. Think about watching TV, a movie, surfing the web. When the iPhone came out it was the greatest thing ever (it still is) because you can do all the above stuff on a device that fits in your pocket. Now take the iPhone and make it bigger and suddenly watching movies and reading your rss feeds dont require you to squint at a small screen anymore. But it also no longer fits in your pocket so dragging it around with you is a real commitment.

So whats the verdict? I have no fucking clue. I havent seen it, I havent used it. I've read great reviews but also feel its not exactly groundbreaking, astounding or necessary. The miracle was the iPhone so this is mainly a beefed up version of the miracle. It also doesn't fix the iPhone's biggest problem: multitasking. This might be its downfall. It's not a motherbox, its not war machine designed to guide missiles into enemy territory (though I'm sure therell be an app for that) what it is is a piece of nerd porn, a status symbol which screams you're either part of the it crowd or you just drank the kool aid. It's a non entity which doesn't belong to any category but doesn't fill any need.

Alive Forever

Alive 4 Ever is a game that borrows heavily from the Xbox 360 title Left 4 Dead. From the zombierrific premise to the inclusion of a 4 in the title this iPhone game is basically an over the top (as in the camera is on top) version of the Left 4 Dead without the camaraderie that the Xbox title is able to achieve on its Live multiplayer.

We can go on and on about how much Alive 4 Ever borrows from Left 4 Dead but that wouldn't be any fun. The actual game though: lots of fun! ok maybe not "lots" but it is sorta fun. It's customizable as fuck, four different characters representing at least three ethnicities and at least two genders, hoards of zombies coming at you, loads of weapons, 30 stages. For an iPhone game its huge. It's fun, and I believe its like a dollar so have at it.

But the real reason for the post? I was playing this thing today and as I was scrolling through the available characters I passed by the one pictured above (the girl) and it turns out her name is Anna Lennox. For some strange fucking reason my immediate thought was "Isn't that the singer for the Eurythmics?" now I'm not a fan of the Eurythmics and I seriously doubt that I've ever conscientiously listened to a Eurythmics song but it turns out that yeah, their singer is Annie Lennox. Well played Alive 4 Ever. Your move Eurythmics.

Anyway, not much more to say, I give this game six out of seven stars.

Wild Shot

Annie's Wild Shot is a game I bought some months ago but have been avoiding doing an entry about. It was the first game that convinced me of the iPhone's capabilities as a gaming device. See before this game I genuinely thought that games for the phone were an idiotic idea, that they couldn't do much with the platform therefore most games produced would be just like other puzzle-centric games on other cell phones. In short I just thought game developers were phoning it in with their games, this looked like they actually meant to produce a quality title.

And there is much to like: the graphics are superb, done in a very color rich animated style using a palette of pastels and drawings straight out of a well made flash game. In other words its pretty to look at. Gameplay uses the touch capabilities of the phone for shooting, reloading and looking to your sides. It's a first person shooting gallery game in which you control a pink haired girl instead of the usual grunt taskforce/militia.

Unfortunately there is also lots to dislike. For starters the shooting involves touching and hitting whatever you want, there's no trigger or buttons or anything to mimic either a gun or a controller on a game console. So you just feel like you're tapping on a screen, I realize that most games on the iPhone have you doing this but others do a better job at making you forget this sad point.

The game also might be a bit too easy. It has four or five levels with a Western boss a the end of each one. There are three parts per level: the first one is a shooting gallery (in which you are rarely shot at) the second is a chase and the third has you battling the boss in a unique way. It can be entertaining but it's not challenging and feels like you're gonna finish it in under in hour (which you certainly could do).

But the art is ultimately this game's saving grace. Sure its a bit weird to shoot pink paintballs at enemies but the fact that they're pretty makes it ok. Sure the protagonist is a pink haired tomboy but, again its ok. Sure she drives around in a traffic buggy but, again, its fucking eye candy. The great music doesn't hurt either. Also: cutscenes!

So what's the final verdict after this crazy mishmash of love and hate? I dont know. I really dont know, I'm actually torn over a fucking iPhone game and its pretty ridiculous. I know, but I simply don't know.

Portable Rock Band!

The great thing about music games, Rock Band and Guitar Hero and their imitators is that they give you the ability to feel like you're playing music even when in reality all one is doing is playing away on small plastic guitars. Despite this there is little denying that the games are fun, addictive and above all profitable. So how to transfer the concept to the handheld market?

The companies have certainly tried, Rock Band launched Unplugged for the PSP with a simple button mashing system while Guitar Hero launch On Tour for the DS with an included peripheral and mimics the fret buttons on the plastic guitar. Both seem fun, neither are actual representations of playing an instrument

Now comes Rock Band for the iPhone. The game doesn't reproduce the feel of the instruments either but at least it doesn't try to. Instead it takes the four available instruments (guitars, drums, vocals, bass) and modifies them to play on the touch screen, notes continue to flow from top to bottom but to play the note the only requirement is to touch the fret button that represents that note. In the case of the vocals there is no actual singing, instead the vocals flow like notes that the player must hit as they pass.

Here's the predicament: should they have tried to reproduce instruments or did they take the correct route? On the one hand I don't want to look like an idiot playing my phone like a guitar or singing to its microphone but on the other hand...I sorta do. The thing is, however, that had they done full on instrumentation instead of tapping notes less people would be inclined to buy or play the game. There is also no doubt that it would not have been a very good game. Not to say that Guitar Hero On Tour and its peripheral suck, its just that thats not the way its done on the iPhone.

The game does have the feel of a Rock Band game. The menus and interface are very similar to the console version and includes some great tattoo inspired images drawn up exclusively for this game (thankfully they dont reek of Ed Hardy douchness). It comes with 20 songs none of which feel like filler. There's some Smashing Pumpkins, Blink 182, Foo Fighters as well as some classics from Lynyrd Skynyrd and other bands. The list is robust and varied enough to keep it interesting but if they're not enough the in-app music store offers two song packages for $1.00. Thats fifty cents a song! cheap!. Hopefully it will be updated weekly and include some free songs (it had two free songs on launch). Super Power (or whatever its called) is included and triggered by tilting the phone, bass groove comes back, unison bonuses are there too.

There are some negatives that need to be addressed: firstly the game cannot be played on the horizontal screen, trying to play on hard vertically is somewhat impossible, especially when trying to maneuver through combined notes with both thumbs. There simply isn't enough space. There is also no character creation or even character selection, it seems that the characters take a back seat, there is only one screen with four characters, one for each instrument. When actually playing most of the screen is taking up by the notes, leaving only about 1/5th of the screen for video of the band playing. Unlike the console version (and for obvious reasons) the video is not unique to the song, instead there are about three different videos which play randomly. This isn't such a big deal as its impossible to actually pay attention to it when playing.

At $10 it might seem like an expensive game but lets keep in mind that other hand held versions of rhythm games retail for much more than this. Overall its a solid, entertaining game, with endless possibilities thanks to the music store and the ability to update seamlessly via the app store. There is multiplayer but its limited to local bluetooth and I don't know anybody that's going buy this game and the person I share apps with simply doesnt care so I wont be taking advantage of this feature. Same goes for the facebook integration but this doesn't matter.

Southpark, Smaller, Shorter in Your Pocket

It's hard to believe that Southpark has been around since the mid 90's. Back when I first got to the U.S it was a novelty, one which middle schoolers with cable were all too happy to embrace because of its, then, unheard of humour, profanity and animation.

Thirteen seasons later the show has evolved from pure grossout to social commentary. This is not to say that the gross out factor has disappeared, its still there, but it has at least grown up, in the same respect as its viewers and former viewers have. That the show has jumped the shark is uncertain, I haven't watched it in a while, but it still is consistently funny and its number of seasons is starting to reach Simpsons or at least King of the Hill like notoriety.

All of this just to talk about the brilliant Southpark Mega Millionaire for the iPhone. The game takes the familiar kids from Southpark and throws them into a stereotypical (but fun) Japanese game show, the kind that makes people humiliate themselves for money and goods. The tilt controls and reach-the-goal mechanics would have worked with any popular or non-popular characters, the Southpark kids therefore work great here as the show has previously explored Japanese culture and the bright pallette of colours meshes perfectly with the games art and style.

Here you take turns using Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny as they navigate through various stages (on roller skates) with various obstacles and variables thrown in for good measure. From having to carry something on their head to dealing with greased up floors or having to serve tea to four "masters", sumo wrestlers, the wheel of misfortune, the challenges are varied enough to keep one entertained without ever feeling repetitive. Successfully completing challenges earns a player goodies as well as giving us some great screens of the Japanized characters along with tons of flashy Kanji which very well could say "you suck for playing this game" for all I know or care.

This is not only a great game but its also a great satire (in the Southpark spirit) of Japanese game shows in general. The host is reminiscent of the crazy dude from Lost in Translation, the odd phrasing is reminiscent of Japan's love of Americana which in turns fuels our obsession with Japanese culture. If Japanization is inevitable, if its already happened and cannot be reversed then we're definitely headed to a better place. I for one welcome their Pocky, Katamari and beer candy and if we can get some of our icons into their concepts (like in this game) then all the better.

I know I say this a lot but this is one of the better games for this platform. It uses the phone's abilities to perfection, it has some great art, its cheap, licensed and very original. There's not much to complain about, obviously those who loathe South Park will be hard pressed to buy this but they dont have to, unfortunately they'll be really missing out.

Civilization

I have no idea who Sid Meier is. Sure if I google or wikipedia his name I might find his biography or at the very least his picture but this is unimportant. The only thing that really matters is that his name is on the best civilization game of all time. So good, in fact, that its title is simply "Civilization". It's like if Street Fighter was simply called "Fighting Game" but in a non-ironic way.

The port for the iPhone, Civilization Revolution, takes the classic strategy game and shrinks it down to a package that fits in one's hand. Thankfully instead of trying to include all the flash and little tidbits (both in terms of graphics and the huge amounts of information) of the PC version they bring only the basics, simplify the art (making it more cartoony, just like the console version of Civ Rev), use an overhead camera, and sell it in a nice downloadable package that very often is on sale for as little as $2.99.

The map is smaller, the moves, battles and structures are in 2-D but otherwise everything is just like in the big Civilization games. The objective is simply to start your own civilization, starting with one of more than 10 world leaders (including Catherine). The first order of business is to establish a city and start producing goods: art, defense, religion and its all its accompanying structures. As time passes cities expand and new empires begin to emerge, its up to the player to decide what kind of relationship to have with neighbours.

Sure peace might be the best option but war is often necessary and an Empire that is not prepared will soon find its cities being conquered and its borders shrinking. Luckily one is not just thrown onto the international community alone, there are groups of advisers who help make decisions by telling you the consequences of your actions. New players will find it hard to understand but awfully enjoyable once that threshold has been crossed. Its the only game on the iPhone I've played for two hours straight and its especially enjoyable when one's army's begin to evolve and actually win wars and conquer foreign cities.

The art is perfect for an iPhone game. The leaders are nicely drawn, they range from Bismarck to Ghandi to Catherine and lots more in between. The battles are done as short animated cut scenes, the various troop types and structures are done in a magnificent style with very lively colours. The whole thing is really a treat for the eyes. The menus and controls are intuitive, the play options are endless, the AI is challenging and the sound, from the Sims like dialogue to the battle music is top notch.

There is nothing negative about this game. It might be a bit expensive (I bought it for 4.99) but if we're going to start talking about the iPhone as a gaming platform we also have to compare its prices to the competitors and $5 for a game is actually pretty cheap. It also sets the standards high for iPhone games, lets be honest some games just plain sucks, some are just money grabs but this is a genuine, well done strategy game available without having to turn on a PC and insert a cd, its available for bus rides and boring family reunions and its in your pocket.

Remember back when having thousands of songs in your pocket was brilliant novelty? well how about having a game like this available whenever you want? I'd say its just as brilliant.

iMega Man

Mega Man 2 is probably the franchise's most well known and beloved entry. Not to say that the first Mega Man sucked, like the first Street Fighter, but with Mega Man II the franchise really took off. It had more baddies, better stages and was pretty friggin difficult to beat. Twenty years later its been ported to the most powerful machine ever and is available for the low low sale price of only one payment of $2.99.

The game has been perfectly taken from the NES to the iPhone, everything remains the same except for the replacement of the password system with continues. The levels, the villains, the music, the power-ups and the difficulty all remain unchanged, the only difference is that instead of playing on a grainy tv with square controllers you're playing on a minuscule screen inside another minuscule screen using fake screen buttons.

To be perfectly honest, the buttons are a pain in the ass, they're responsive enough but when you're used to getting feedback when you press physical buttons and then that feedback disappears then you really dont know if the blue bomber really is going to jump or just fall to his untimely death.

Then there's the problem with the screen: it's not like they revamped the game to fit the phone's widescreen, nope, instead they basically put the game in a 1.3sq in. square in the middle of the screen and used the rest for the buttons. I suppose you had to put the buttons somewhere but this makes it too small and the characters even smaller. The game can be played in either horizontal or vertical modes, horizontal is better but neither is perfect.

But on to the good news. Its fucking Mega Man! on your iPhone! its the exact same game, if you're sitting on the bus, bored, and you get a hankering for some Mega Man then you can just pull out your phone and get to it. This means that the blue bomber and all his most iconic villain buddies are now in your pocket, from Bubble Man: a frogman who looks like a maniacal surgeon to Crash Man who simply has a windshield helmet to my personal favorite: Heat Man, who looks like a stoned lighter.

I have yet to play through the whole thing as I tend to simply play pick up games every once in a while. I've beaten a number of bosses but cant remember the order in which to do it to maximize Mega Man's efficiency. I do remember that Woodman can be eliminated with just one Saw blade but Woodsman was the first boss I defeated. I cant complain about the gameplay because its the same as the original: sure at times it can get hairy with all the baddies ganging up on Mega Man but since they also kept the short invisibility after a hit thing then its all good.

The limited $2.99 sale makes this game a steal, (though its too bad you dont get a picture of the original cover) its the best piece of retro Mega Man goodness there is right now (well second best) and a great way to show off how cool and ironic you are. Yep, nothing is more ironic than Mega Man.

Spider, Man

So I'm at my local comic shop a few weeks ago buying some Green Arrow when I walk up to pay and the guy asks if I have an iPhone, thinking he might recommend a comic book app I answer that I do, he then tells me I should download his new game, one which has gotten some good reviews, is climbing up the download charts and is one hell of a game. I answer that I'll give it a shot, after all I've gotten enough discounts there that its time I returned the favor. He writes down the name of the game on my receipt, I walk to my car to search for the game and hope that it doesn't suck.

Even though the game had all five star reviews I was still skeptical as I had not bought a $2.99 game before, I said fuck it and went with it. Turns out it was quite a good investment. Spider: the Secret of Bryce Manor is unlike anything that I've ever seen in a video game, much less in an app. The main character is a spider, a real one, not some cutesy cartoon or anthropomorphic one, no, its a fucking spider. The main objective is to eat other bugs, to do so the spider walks, jumps, builds webs and traps dumber insects. The more insects you eat the more webs you can spin, the faster you get to the next stage.

Everything in this game is beautiful: the stages are basically paintings, done in a magnificent style, in which nothing but the greatly detailed insects move around. Each stage is a different room/location in a manor, an uninhabited one which reveals all its secrets via letters, tombstones, portraits and so on. Yes the game is about a spider but the location is just as fascinating, as the title suggests there is a secret but the only way to find out what it is is through careful exploration and attention to detail. As for the number of stages? I have no idea, I've played about 15 and have still not reached the end.

The game allows the user to play with their own library of music but there is absolutely no need for this as the in-game music is so good I wish I had it in my iPod library. Its ambient, it classical, it fits the game, I'd pay good money for the soundtrack. The sound effects from the web building to the insect munching and the walking around are also top notch. No bleeps and bloops here.

As I mentioned before the insects are as varied as they are detailed. There are moths, butterflies, mosquitoes, fireflies, ladybugs and so on. Whatever they might be they're all edible, all except for hornets which have to be tackled down. This is one of the most fun parts of the game, there is a certain satisfaction to jumping on a hornet and devouring it, I'm sure the developers (Tiger Style, great logo) knew this and thats why they added an all-hornet stage.

There is a lot going on in this game, the price tag now seems small especially when compared to other "games" which might cost less but are far from offering such an in-depth experience. Is it the best game on the iPhone? I dont know, I havent played all games and of the ones I have played I'd say its definitely in the same category as Civilization Revolution: they're both deep, have great art and provide days of fun. (ok that link wasn't for the iPhone version of Civ Rev but can you blame me? its Catherine!). If anything Spider is easier to pick up and understand, hopefully that helps it sell more and hopefully that keeps comic book guy and his buddies making great games.

Possibly Inspired

Looks like all that praise I gave the Swedes for their work on Minigore was a waste. I mentioned that one of the things that sets Minigore apart from other iPhone games is the great artwork/character design, from the protagonist to the beasties to the upcoming Bolshevik expansion, every character features the same cube shaped head with impossibly tiny bodies.

Well it turns out that the whole idea of a cubic head was not an original idea of the Swedes. No, they actually stole the head design from retired New England Patriots linebacker Tedy Bruschi. Of course they couldn't just steal a picture of Bruschi for their game so they took his cubic head, gave it a beard, a Shang Tsung hat and bam! you have John Gore, they also couldn't copy Bruschi's linebacker physique so to avoid lawsuits they went with the exact opposite.

For shame Sweden.

But in all seriousness, Bruschi retired today and not only does he have a great name but he also played some great football, won three Super Bowls and came back from a stroke. Plus he plays the fucking Saxophone! hopefully he wont become a network analyst wonk like so many former players before him. By the way, congratulations Tiki Barber you're the Marian Hossa of the NFL, enjoy your no rings.

Yes a fucking hockey joke.

Full Gore

I find myself torn with Mini Gore for the iPhone. I want to love it because its hip factor and ease are remarkable but it also has its share of problems. The game features a square headed bearded man with a machine gun named John Gore whose sole mission is to not get killed by an onslaught of furry animal-like baddies which come at him in various sizes and in various quantities.

Its the smoothest game I've ever played on the platform, the on screen controls are intuitive and work like the analog sticks on a console controller, the character's movements are pretty automatic, the way the ammunition is fired off is reminiscent of a Contra or Metal Slug game, and the app icon is the most badass thing ever.

Indeed this is the best thing to come out of Sweden since Abba Zlatan Ibrahimovic. But it does have a few drawbacks which, despite the fact that they can be easily corrected with updates, bring the overall grade down a notch. For starters the in game upgrades are minimal: John Gore can find a crate that gives him temporary use of a shotgun (which isnt very useful) and he can collect three clovers (which look like the 4chan logo) and become a freakish monster for a brief period of time. These might be fun add-ons but they're minimal and inferior to the standard gun.

The game also has, as of this writing, only one level and no way of getting out of it successfully, its pretty demoralizing to realize that no matter how well everything is going you're gonna eventually die. The good news here is that an update similar to those for Pocket God can easily add a level, in fact there are screenshots floating around that show Gore shooting down some Bolsheviks in the snow, that looks very promising and hopefully the dollar paid for the game entitles the buyer to the updates.

The opening screen gives even more hopes as it shows an entire cast of baddies and even a damsel in distress which are not present in the current release but one can only imagine will be added later. With time, and with some hard Swedish labor, this survival game could easily become the best shooter on the mobile market.

Communists, Blocks

I mentioned some time ago on another post that Tetris was celebrating its 25th birthday this year. Its good to see that after a quarter of a century the game is still being sold on the app store for five fuckin dollars. Jesus Christ, that has to be what? $10 in 80's money? seems like too much, specially considering that there have been handheld knockoffs for years now and old phones use to carry the game as a standard feature.

Thankfully apple isnt above allowing cheaper Tetris clones to be sold on the App store, and one will be hard pressed to find any copycat better than the $1.99 Communist Blocks. Not only is that the best name for a video game ever but the game is exactly the same as the original (with the exception of rectangular as opposed to square blocks) it returns the game to its kitschy Soviet roots, and it saves the working man a few dollars while still giving him/her much deserved entertainment, comrade.

The interface looks cheap but its that cheap that became synonymous with the Communist Bloc during the waning years of the Cold War. Even though it does not include the original Tetris song, the games soundtrack features what can only be described as Soviet opera music accompanied with Soviet (or pre-Soviet) art which serves as background. Even though I will never be against the use of old Soviet propaganda, its omission here serves the game for the best as it feels less reliant on stereotypes and explores some very distinct aspects of Russian culture.

Its ridiculous to review Tetris at this point: everybody knows what it is, everybody understands how addictive it is and this version of it is Tetris and it is therefore that addictive and that good. Its replay value is huge and there is no better way to pass a long bus ride or lunch break. The only negative? the icon, its not as kitschy as the game, the name of which is shortened to C-Blocks on the screen, but I believe the hammer and sickle is already being used by another app.

A Little Captain in Your Pocket

Yet another writeup of a game app for the iPhone. Why so many of these you ask? lets be honest, the phone as a handheld game system is limited graphically (as compared to, say the PS3) and since its games are sold as downloads it lends itself to the simpler games, the ones which beckon back to the days this blog remembers so fondly.

In Sea Captain you control a harbor with three distinct docks to which one must navigate boats that appear from offscreen. The boats are of different sizes and speeds (from subs to cruise ships) and their color determines where they must be docked, an operation done by drawing a line from the boat to the appropriate dock. Yes the whole concept is similar to another app called Flight Control but it certainly is not Flight Control "in the fucking ocean".

The game is challenging enough, the amount of boats and their varying speeds make for some clogged maritime routes and you can only crash three boats per round. There are three levels with night and day versions of each (in this version) but there is only one to begin with and the rest are unlocked through achieving set quotas for docked boats. The night missions are especially difficult as they are completely dark save for the light emitting from the center lighthouse, which also acts as an obstacle (together with icebergs and, apparently Pirates!).

Now lets get to the nerd in me. Firstly, I downloaded this thing based on the kickass app icon (and the price and the reviews of course). Its not easy to find a fair priced, fun game in the app store that also has good graphics and generally good art but that New England Captain is a good looking chap. What a great fuckin surprise did I get when I beat the New England stage and moved onto the Arctic where our Captain now sports a hoodie and a rain jacket. Straight out of Deadliest Catch. The lighthouse also changes. See thats the kind of small detail that gets tremendous amounts of points in my book, I cant wait to see what he'll be sporting once I reach the Caribbean.

Get it at the App Store, should still be on introductory sale for a buck.

REAL soccer (REAL)

I recently got a great tip about a soccer game for the iPhone that is only $.99 cents and actually plays like a soccer game. See I'm always skeptic about iPhone games because a) I dont want to play games on my phone and 2) most games absolutely sucks. But surprise surprise this game is actually pretty good.

Real Soccer 2009, which normally goes for $9.99 on the app store, features over 100 teams (both national and club) as well as real players (for most teams). The "cover" features Arsenal pretty boy Cesc Fabregas. The gameplay is surprisingly fluid, though I'm not surprised nor upset that the characters are a bit blocky they I am surprised at how agile the fuckers are. Teams and players are substantially different from one another: if you pick Kazakhstan and play against Brazil you will get your ass kicked, in effect this is not merely having a bunch of different teams with palette swaps, the little guy labeled as Kaka is Kaka and hes in your iPhone.

Its easy enough, when you dont have a license, to use the flag of, say, Serbia to represent the Serbian national team and RS09 does so as expected. But how do you get around not being able to use club team crests? well you refer to teams by their city (say Roma) and if that becomes confusing you start using colors (Manchester Red). Now that you've solved that problem what do you do about the crests? well you simply use random little flags to represent particular teams. These fake little icons have a certain charm to them too. Oddly enough the game does have a licensing agreement with La Liga La Liga BBVA so all of its teams crests are the real thing (just in case you really wanted to play as Osasuna).

The game also contains a bunch of playable leagues and cups (again, its an iPhone app) including facsimiles of Champions League, Euro, Copa America and so on. There is no American club competition but there are teams from Argentina, Brazil and the U.S (sadly not Mexico) who all participate in the faux CL. Its genius. The many cups arent easy to get (even on easy) thus the game is pretty challenging.

Lastly the controls, I had no iea how I was going to work around the fact that the phone has no physical buttons but that was fixed with the inclusion of a D-Pad and A-B buttons on the screen. This is done on many games for the phone but I had yet to encounter it. Sure its kind of annoying to have your fingers on the playing screen but the thing is responsive enough that one is able to easily play.

And its only 99 cents.

Golden Miner

Here's something different, lets talk about a game for the iPhone. The reason is simple: though it had never occurred to me apparently many believe that the iPhone (and the iPod Touch) are actual gaming machines that can compete with the DS, PSP or whatever other portable system is thrown out there.

I've always considered it at best a viable platform for touch based puzzle games but apparently you can have Sims, Metal Gears and even Sonics (no not these Sonics) decently ported into the phone. With the advent of the faster 3Gs the game market should grow more and more.

Besides Bubble Bash and the brilliant Pocket God I had never bought a game before, until yesterday that is when I went looking for something to spend a dollar on, finally landing on Golden Miner.

So what is this game about? well its really simple: you play as a heavier set Wario look alike prospector with overalls and a winch (not a wench) whose job it is to fish for gold and other assorted goodies underground. The Wario look alike is rewarded with points, he has to get a certain number in order to move on ot the next level. There is a 60 second time limit per round, a limit which proves brutal when Wario has to haul the heavier golden nuggets.

The game is surprisingly difficult: there are moles, skulls, rocks and barrels of fuckin TNT on the ground which get in the way, frustration can quickly set in at around level 20 but really who wants a game that can be beat with one play? at the current price you get 99 rounds for 99 cents, a really good deal.

The game was developed in Beijing so the constant misspellings of English are easily forgiven if not encouraged. The lack of proper grammar gives the game an overall clandestine feeling akin to eating at a taco stand in the middle of the night in Tijuana: you know its probably not good for you but it feels so right. Take this great description of what the bombs they sell you are good for:

"After you bought it, when you grab item, you can click the screen again to bomb the item"

Further proof of the clandestine nature of the game can be seen with the other character, the one which appears on the game icon, who sells you the items in between stages and who is referred to simply as Sexy Girl. There is no need for such a character in the game, its a gimmick and what is worse is that its a blatant attempt to capture what an American male would want to see in a character, but the name of the girl, her appearance and her temper are so exaggerated and gauche that it borders on the ironic, making it actually kind of hip. That made no sense whatsoever, the easiest way to explain it is with this link.

In the end its a fun little game, it has enough levels to keep one entertained and its cheap enough that it can easily find a spot in the second or third page of the iPhone.