Giana Sisters

Giana Sisters was originally a game for the Commodore or TurboGrafx or some other old gaming system which tried very hard to be Mario Brothers. To this end you control a blond girl who walks around hitting blocks, jumping on pipes and eliminating baddies by (you guessed it) jumping on them. Some of the blocks gave you the ability to transform into a red haired version of the girl with the ability to shoot fireballs. In other words its exactly like Mario.

In 2010 the game makes a comeback on another platform: the iPhone. The graphics have been updated, made much prettier actually. While the original game appears to feature grungy women from New Jersey the new sisters are younger, hipper and cuter. They look like little vinyl figurines. And even though its still largely a Mario clone this isn't such a negative thing seeing as how the platform will never see a legitimate Mario game. It's a healthy alternative, I'm not sure how ethical it is but its better than nothing.

Gameplay feels like Mario with the fireballs, jumping, tubes and whatnot. Graphics are pretty, its colourful, you collect jewels instead of coins, you jump through obstacles and face bosses who live in castles. There's lots to like and its varied enough (80+ levels) that you don't get either easily bored or beat it too quickly.

But it also has some problems. The main one is the buttons, because you're not physically touching buttons but rather a flat screen it is often difficult to determine how far a jump will take you, when you're supposed to jump and, worst of all, where the location of the buttons is so you often end up pressing a part of the screen with the wrong command or nothing in it. You lose all instinctive commands and you end up looking at the screen in order to not miss an input, have you ever looked at your hands to make sure youre pressing the fire trigger on an xbox controller when playing MW2? 'course not.

To be fair, however, this problem is not exclusive to this game, most of my bitching about iPhone games is largely because of their non physical buttons. One could safely assume, then, that the whole not having buttons thing does adversely affect iPhone games but apple was not about to sacrifice style for playability so the decision was made to go buttonless. Yes the iPhone is slick as fuck but the question has to be asked again whether its a true gaming platform or not.

Getting back to the actual game: what can I say? its fun. Sure it gets excruciatingly frustrating at times but thats how these things are. A little difficulty never hurt anybody. A solid two basilisks out of three.

Minimum Carnage

I have to admit I thought of that title before even thinking of this entry. Minimum Carnage. Har har.

Maximum Carnage is a game for the SNES that came out in the mid 90's. As such, and like the JLA game we reviewed not too long ago, it offers a foray into the world of superheroes as envisioned in that horrifying decade. Namely big muscles, big explosions, misogyny and Rob Liefeld.

The game is based off the eponymous comic book event Marvel published in 1993 which saw Spider Man teaming up with the quintessential 90's anti-hero: Venom to destroy a much meaner version of Venom, if you will, the red gooey whatsit known as Carnage. I've never actually read this thing but I imagined that what ensued was full of testosterone and machismo.

To say that this game sucks would be unfair. It is, after all, a product of its time and even though its primary objective was to cash in on the successful comic book it does offer yet another version of the 3/4 beat-em-up. And as a member of such a fraternity it is fairly indistinguishable from the Double Dragon's and Turtles in Time's of its day. The graphics are good enough, as one would expect this is a colorful world with characters that take up a good chunk of the screen, and fighting moves that are on par with the fighters and beat em ups of the time.

But the drawbacks are too many to make this game worthwhile. The baddies are as repetitive as you would expect, you basically fight through New York beating up what appear to be old homeless men, punk teenagers and women. Yep Spider Man beats up on women in this one. When you reach the end of a level you fight a boss who is usually someone from Spider Man's rogue gallery. In the end, I assume, you take on Carnage himself.

The game is also unbelievably cheap. The lesser thugs will gang up on you and kick your ass solely because they have a numbers advantage. Yes you can eliminate these guys easily enough but not when you're punching one and another one decides to drop kick you from behind. The odd thing is this is labeled as a Spider Man-Venom game but its not two player, instead you have the ability (in some stages) to use Venom but for the most part its just you and Spidey. Had they made this a two player game the action would be much less frustrating. As it stands there are limited heals, you only get three lives and just one continue.

In later stages you can get some help from other superheroes but their help is limited and you actually have to get to these stages with your three lives and one continue. It's frustrating, its not worth the time and effort and it looks like they tried to sell this thing solely on the basis of its cartridge being red. Yes the cartridge is kickass but the gaming is the equivalent of being stabbed in the eye with a pencil.

Justice League Taskforce

Justice League Task Force is without a doubt a product of its time. You blow on the cartridge, put it into the slot, slide the power button and you're immediately transported back to the mid 90's. Sure it was a great time in general: pre 9/11, economic prosperity, new weekly episodes of both Full House and Family Matters, the apex of the Atlanta Braves dynasty. But for the comic book industry it was actually the dark ages.

The 90's will always be marred by the rise of the uber masculine superhero as first envisioned by Image Comics (google Rob Liefeld) and later adapted by both of the big two. Whereas the 80's signaled a revolution towards the anti hero, towards imperfect, often imbalanced heroes the 90's gave us loads of steroids, bad hair and unparalleled machismo. It wasn't pretty.

Not to say that JLA Taskforce isnt pretty: for a mid 90's game the character design is nice, with colorful, beefy sprites that take up a significant amount of TV real estate, nice background stages and decent music the game could justifiable be found at your local KMart for thirty bucks.

Where it falls apart is in the gameplay department. Like all fighting games of the era it tries to be Street Fighter but the action is too choppy and random to merit such a comparison. The six available characters (and three bosses) all play the same, they all (except one) have a charging attack and projectiles which can all be used with the hadoken command. Boring. Street Fighter tried to give us different fighting styles, JLA Taskforce takes two of those styles and applies them to known superheroes and calls it a game.

And a very difficult game at that! n00bs will soon be changing the difficulty setting when they discover that even the first character in the story is impossible to beat on medium. All of these characters fight cheap: you jump they throw you a projectile, you throw a projectile they jump kick you, before you realize it your life meter is flashing and you're about to die.

But lets get back to the available characters, shit lets break them down one by one:

Superman: the mere thought that anybody can challenge a guy that flies, has laser vision and is stronger then hell is laughable but I guess he's fighting fair here.

Batman: I fucking love Batman.

The Flash: not cool hat Flash but rather spandex muscles 90's Flash. Oh by the way Joe Higashi called he wants his tornado attack back.

Wonder Woman: because you need to have a woman in here. (Cheetah is also in it as a boss).

Aquaman: D'you wanna get high Aquaman???

Green Arrow: Wait Green Arrow is in this? holy fuck talk about your unlikely inclusions! yes I knew he was in it, yes this is the reason why I bought this game. Any more questions?

Like I said the stages are very easy on the eyes, from the Daily Planet globe to Aquaman's underwater Aquatic Justice center, even Batman's Gotham is as dark and pretentious as he is. By the way Green Arrow fights in the forest. Really? the forest? it's like the developers had never heard of Green Arrow but they figured since he looks like Robin Hood then he must be Robin Hood.

Oh shit, how about the story? its pretty easy to follow: Darkseid has declared war on earth (this is literally what it says) and its up to the JLA to fuck him up. Obviously the JLA is up to it and they go about doing it by....fighting against each other? try to figure that one out.

All in all a very interesting game that might be incredibly frustrating but is cool nonetheless. A DC fighting game is by definition kinda fun, especially since it wouldn't happen again until they struck a deal with Mortal Kombat to try to make both franchises relevant again.

Angry Birds FTW

Angry Birds is one of those games that you kinda cant put down. Not because the story is incredibly engaging, not because the gameplay is incredibly challenging nor because the art is amazing (even though it is) but rather because its so simple it makes you wonder why we need advancements in technology at all. It also makes you fear the Swedish: first ABBA, then IKEA now THIS?

The gameplay is as follows: a group of green, round pig-like creatures has kidnapped the eggs of a group of birds, this makes the birds angry (hence the name) and they vow to get revenge and their eggs back through the use of a slingshot and complex mathematical equations. There's no actual math, instead you shoot the different birds and try to defeat the pigs by eliminating them through the destruction of their many fortifications.

You start off with just a red cardinal whose sole ability is to shoot throw himself off a slingshot and wreak as much havoc as he possibly can but as the game progresses you unlock other birds including a blue jay who can split himself in three, an angry canary who can shoot himself with an extra boost, a raven whos actually a bomb and a pigeon that can shoot eggs. If there are any more I have yet to unlock them. Also I should point out that the species listed above are merely guesses I made based on the color of the birds.

The character design is fantastic, the colors are brilliant, each bird and pig has a unique shape (like my favourite: angry canary triangle) and a unique sound that it makes when it launches itself. Because each bird has different abilities and they're all different sizes the player has to develop strategies to find the best way to knock out the pigs the fastest. This can be incredibly frustrating but its also very rewarding once a seemingly impossible level is beaten.

Each level is different in both its design and the number and type of birds you get. No, its not up to you to decide which birds you get to use in each stage, its whatever the game picks and this adds significantly to the challenge because you cant ever just throw five bomb birds and hope you can explode away your problems.

All this for only one dollar. I've played Xbox games that are less fun (right Bullet Witch?).

Hipstamatic

Hipstamatic is hands down the greatest iPhone app ever made. Essentially its a camera app with a bunch of filters in the form of different camera lenses, flashes and film which make your pictures come out as nice retro looking little squares. The pictures come up with a character and a depth that is can only be achieved with the cameras of the sixties, seventies and eighties. No high definition, super megapixel finery. It's sweet and to the point.

The interface is pretty sweet: a plastic camera with a view finder, a flash button and some other crap. The standard package comes with three lenses, a standard flash and two or three films. Three more "hipstapacks" are available for purchase and after buying those you now have an entire package with (by my count) 216 different combinations all for a total of $5.

All of this just so I can justify showing that kickass picture of me in my Ghost mask. Yes I bought a Ghost mask. It comes straight from the UK (you know just like Ghost) and is completely badass even without the sunglasses, beanie and headphones which would complete the look. We still miss you Ghost.

RPG n' Poker

Sword & Poker is a game whose title gives me no choice but to believe that it was made by Chinese game developers. If this is indeed the case, and granted I am only one google search away from finding out, then we have lots to fear for because the Chinese have far surpassed us in ingenuity.

The game is so simple it makes me wish I had been brought up by an oppressive pseudo communist junta. A 5x5 grid in which cards are to be placed, two at a time with an initial setup of nine, in an effort to create poker hands. So lets say that the board currently has a Jack and two fives if you have another five and a jack you go ahead and place them and bam! full house.

Sure anybody could have thought of this (and I'm sure many folks have) but this game adds in tons of RPG elements that make it stand out from the detritus (thats the second time I've used that word since starting this blog btw) of card games across all gaming platforms. The player moves along dungeons full of baddies, he faces them in turn based combat and defeats them by getting good poker hands, depending on what the hand is is the amount of damage done: a single pair is weak while a straight, flush, straight flush or royal flush is the balls.

The player is able to purchase weapons, shields and other objects which help him (her?) along the way. Different weapons have different abilities and dish out different damage. You know like in any other decent RPG. There is a ton of strategy (from using magic to the ability to strategically pass your turn), the music is strangely reminiscent of early Zelda games and the art is top notch.

Overall its a nice little package whose ability to infuriate and frustrate is only surpassed by its ability to help pass the time while waiting on the bus and/or hospital waiting room.

A solid three golden apples out of four.

In other iPhone news: Capcom is releasing Street Fighter IV for the handheld system. No word yet as to what the fuck they are thinking.

Vampires, Weekend

Castlevania (64) wasn't a very good game. I mean it wasn't horrible but it came out at a time (the late 90's) in which the video game industry was going through a transition from sidescrollers to the full on 3D sandbox games that characterize the current generation of platforms. As such Castlevania was a third person linear adventure game set in a world of highly polygonized walls and villains. Hard to believe that at a certain point it retailed for $70.

One of the things that sets this title apart from similar games of its time as well as other Castlevanias is the inclusion of the character of a young blue haired psychic girl that goes by the name of Carrie Fernandez. Now lets set aside the fact that that name is a horrible attempt at diversity and think about what the inclusion of such character meant for the franchise. Castlevania has always been a game in which a sword, whip or axe wielding blonde man with long hair walked through dungeons in search of a dracula. This game included such a character but also this young girl who had no axe, no sword but could throw magic balls of light.

What was the purpose of this? I'm sure they made it fit in to the story but why? was it a relatively early attempt to get female players interested? or was it a vain attempt at getting fanboys even more interested? I've no clue.

As far as character design is concerned Carrie isn't that interesting: typical anime inspired too young girl with big eyes and ambiguous hairstyle. Nothing to get the fanboys too excited, especially considering that far more risque characters existed at the time. She did shoot projectiles which meant she had a longer reach then the other guy but it wasn't so much of an advantage that one would consider her a cheap character.

But getting back to the actual gameplay, yes it was choppy as fuck and yes the camera was worthless but it did have some worthwhile moments, the bosses were pretty freakish and (if I remember correctly) pretty big. I seem to also recall potions and shit but this was ten years ago so most likely I'm thinking of something else.

Whatever happened to Castlevania? I don't know if more games have been released in the new consoles. Not buying a big fan of the series I don't really care to keep track. The only other Castlevania I remember playing is Castlevania Legends for the Game Boy. We're talking about black and white, brick game boy too. That title also had a female protagonist. You know with the whole Twilight and Vampire fad that seems to be running amok these days someone should really think about bringing this series back.

Alive Forever

Alive 4 Ever is a game that borrows heavily from the Xbox 360 title Left 4 Dead. From the zombierrific premise to the inclusion of a 4 in the title this iPhone game is basically an over the top (as in the camera is on top) version of the Left 4 Dead without the camaraderie that the Xbox title is able to achieve on its Live multiplayer.

We can go on and on about how much Alive 4 Ever borrows from Left 4 Dead but that wouldn't be any fun. The actual game though: lots of fun! ok maybe not "lots" but it is sorta fun. It's customizable as fuck, four different characters representing at least three ethnicities and at least two genders, hoards of zombies coming at you, loads of weapons, 30 stages. For an iPhone game its huge. It's fun, and I believe its like a dollar so have at it.

But the real reason for the post? I was playing this thing today and as I was scrolling through the available characters I passed by the one pictured above (the girl) and it turns out her name is Anna Lennox. For some strange fucking reason my immediate thought was "Isn't that the singer for the Eurythmics?" now I'm not a fan of the Eurythmics and I seriously doubt that I've ever conscientiously listened to a Eurythmics song but it turns out that yeah, their singer is Annie Lennox. Well played Alive 4 Ever. Your move Eurythmics.

Anyway, not much more to say, I give this game six out of seven stars.

Power Ups

Alright today we take a look at the new power ups available in Super Mario Bros Wii. We do not spend time on mushrooms, invincibility stars, Yoshi or the kick ass fire flower because those are not exclusive nor new to this game. Sure its very much the case that the fire flower is the greatest power up ever, and it remains so in this game, but for now we take a look at the three new upgrades.

The Ice Flower - Like the fire flower but instead of throwing little fire pellets Mario, Luigi and their unnamed fungi cohorts throw (get ready for it) ice. The ice freezes enemies but it does not eliminate them automatically. Instead the player has the ability to pick up the newly created ice block and hurl it at someone or something. This does come in handy sometimes but I'd rather just have the baddie gone for good. The other upside to the ice is that some baddies that are immune to the fire pellets are frozen by the ice (bones, bullets, thwomps come to mind). I'm happy to report that Boo remains immune to just about everything.

Penguin Suit - Well its tradition that Mario turns into some sort of animal and for this game that animal is a penguin. When dressed as a penguin Mario walks funny, is able to throw ice projectiles like with the ice flower and is able to swim faster and more easily. Underwater it basically serves the same purpose as the frog suit did in Mario 3. Its great for swimming, its as good as the ice flower but it unfortunately does not help with the slippery floors in the ice world. This severely devalues this power up, its sparse availability devalues it even further.

Propeller Suit - The best new power up in the game. It comes in a form of a mushroom that flies up when it pops out of the power block. Once caught Mario dons a red speed suit with a pretty cool helmet (with a propeller at the top of it) that allows Mario to fly up and then float down in a semi controllable fashion. Yes previous games allowed full on directional flight while this only lets you basically jump really long distances but its still really useful in certain situations. This game has an unusually large amount of platforms and shit that moves, if you have a propeller mushroom you can just fly from safe spot to safe spot. Ii you're playing multiplayer you only need one suit to get through. The amount of awesome in this powerup is truly difficult to quantify.

So there it is. We've seen weirder stuff in previous games, flying raccoons, Terminator Mario, Giant Mario, Tiny Mario (which returns in this game) so a flying suit and ice flowers really arent out of the ordinary. Poweups have always added to the individual charm of each Mario game, these new additions represent the Wii version well.

Loser of the Week: The American people in 1998. Turns out Mark McGwire used steroids for the longer part of his career including the Home Run chase of 1998. In other news the Earth is round, the sky is blue. In retrospect we were duped into thinking we were witnessing history, in fact we were witnessing the apex of the steroid era. I don't have an issue with the whole "cheating" thing because technically steroids were legal at the time but it still kinda sucks when we consider that even though Babe Ruth and Roger Maris were doing it in simple times they were also doing it on nothing but beer and hot dogs.

Mario Bros Wii - Gameplay

Just yesterday I finished (NEW) Super Mario Bros. Wii (horrible title) the best game to have ever come out for the forsaken console and was wondering how to tackle it in blog form. Mega post? separate entries focusing on individual aspects? ignoring it completely? I finally decided to go the separate entries route so today we focus on gameplay. Other entries will deal with powerups, characters and so on.

This game is a piece of retro gaming deliciousness. The mechanics are identical to every sidescrolling Mario game from the original Mario Bros. to the numbered entries, World, and the DS titles. Yes despite the gameplay being so familiar we haven't had a game like this on a full size console since Mario World on the SNES. Instead we've been treated to variations on the Mario theme in the form of Mario 64, Sunshine and even Galaxy. Not bad games by any stretch but if I want to play a 3D platformer I'll just...well actually I don't want to play a 3D platformer.

Of course the main differences are the better graphics (better but not in the same league as what Microsoft and Sony are doing) and the inclusion of some of the Wii remote's unique uses. For the most part, however, the game consists of Mario making his way through very long 2D stages, getting powerups along the way, jumping obstacles, destroying baddies, grabbing coins and so on.

The game is markedly more difficult then anything with the Mario title in the past. The stages are huge and powerups are scattered at the rate of maybe 1.5 mushrooms per stage. If this seems scant (and it is) its nothing compared to the number of Yoshi's scattered along, by my count the green dinosaur appears only in three stages and if you make it to the end of a stage with Mario will dismount and wave goodbye to him before going to the next stage. Yep, gone are the days when you could simply go back and grab a Yoshi.

While the powerups are limited the baddies and pratfalls are not. The jumps have to be better timed, the baddies are fiercer and more varied. While the game is incredibly difficult in single player it gets exponentially worse in multiplayer. Yes its awesome that four players can play at the same time but it leads to fucking pandemonium. There are many ways to play multiplayer: when everybody fends for themselves it sucks because you're playing on one screen and all characters have to be on that screen at all times which means you have to wait for your retarded cousin to get to where you are before advancing, when playing cooperatively it sucks because the game slows down and you find yourself just carrying your retarded cousin (in the form of a nameless yellow toad) to the next level.

But playing in single player is incredibly fun precisely because its so challenging. You can grab one of the older Mario sidescrollers and beat it in a few hours, in a day at the most, but not so with this game. It took me a solid week to finish it and for this the game developers must be commended. They took a formula which we're all familiar with and made it challenging. And for the better because, honestly, at this point who can't start playing any older Mario game and finish it within the same day?

Replay value is added in the form of star coins or coinstars or whatever they're called. Three huge coins with star imprints are scattered through in each level. Now at first you're only told you can use them to buy hint videos (useless) but then Peach (Toadstool) teases something about world 9 after you finish the game and how you can only play through it once you have every star coin from each stage. Fucking great. I just spent a whole week thinking I didn't need these things and now I have to go back? ugh.

But in the end its an awfully enjoyable game. It's very difficult but its also very difficult to put down. I found my wii remotes constantly needing new batteries (something I've never seen before) and I really appreciated Nintendo not having me stand on some sort of board or making ninja slices or attachments and shit to actually enjoy this game. The best games for Nintendo consoles are those made by Nintendo. This is both a blessing and a curse because you often end up with shitty third party titles but then again the proprietary titles are so good that it makes you want to get a Nintendo console because you cant find these anywhere else.

Coming soon: Talking about power-ups, characters and the long promised Koopa Kids post.

Loser of the Week: TMZ. Haha you spent countless thousands of dollars for an old tattered up picture that purports to show John F Kennedy whoring it up on a boat with some naked Europeans, you call such picture potentially history altering....then it turns out all you bought is a photoshopped version of a picture that originally ran in a 1960's issue of playboy featuring paid models including "Andy" who doesnt even look like JFK. Hahaha, and you put your ubiquitous watermark on it! thus assuring the internet that your dumbassery will live on forever.

Wild Shot

Annie's Wild Shot is a game I bought some months ago but have been avoiding doing an entry about. It was the first game that convinced me of the iPhone's capabilities as a gaming device. See before this game I genuinely thought that games for the phone were an idiotic idea, that they couldn't do much with the platform therefore most games produced would be just like other puzzle-centric games on other cell phones. In short I just thought game developers were phoning it in with their games, this looked like they actually meant to produce a quality title.

And there is much to like: the graphics are superb, done in a very color rich animated style using a palette of pastels and drawings straight out of a well made flash game. In other words its pretty to look at. Gameplay uses the touch capabilities of the phone for shooting, reloading and looking to your sides. It's a first person shooting gallery game in which you control a pink haired girl instead of the usual grunt taskforce/militia.

Unfortunately there is also lots to dislike. For starters the shooting involves touching and hitting whatever you want, there's no trigger or buttons or anything to mimic either a gun or a controller on a game console. So you just feel like you're tapping on a screen, I realize that most games on the iPhone have you doing this but others do a better job at making you forget this sad point.

The game also might be a bit too easy. It has four or five levels with a Western boss a the end of each one. There are three parts per level: the first one is a shooting gallery (in which you are rarely shot at) the second is a chase and the third has you battling the boss in a unique way. It can be entertaining but it's not challenging and feels like you're gonna finish it in under in hour (which you certainly could do).

But the art is ultimately this game's saving grace. Sure its a bit weird to shoot pink paintballs at enemies but the fact that they're pretty makes it ok. Sure the protagonist is a pink haired tomboy but, again its ok. Sure she drives around in a traffic buggy but, again, its fucking eye candy. The great music doesn't hurt either. Also: cutscenes!

So what's the final verdict after this crazy mishmash of love and hate? I dont know. I really dont know, I'm actually torn over a fucking iPhone game and its pretty ridiculous. I know, but I simply don't know.

Super Empire Strikes Back (!)

Super Empire Strikes Back is not, by any means, an easy game. It's a standard platformer in which the main character must pass through multiple stages fighting off multiple baddies with multiple weapons and the help of multiple, well, helpers. The reason why this game is more like Dungeons and Dragons than, say, Mega Man, is because while in MegaMan you encounter an enemy every once in a while in SESB it's a neverending parade of creatures trying to kill you.

You start off as Luke Skywalker in Hoth (a planet which is very cold) with a lightsaber and a pistol surveying the area for meteors or some shit. He gets to right around in a Tauntan, he gets to fight wampas and so on. You know like that in that one movie. Right from the get-go there are tons of enemies shooting off spores or bursting or running at you or fucking biting you. It is unrelentless and, for some reason, it takes about five lightsaber hits to kill some of these things.

Most levels are like this but in other planets or environments. In some you fly around in vehicles, in others you fight off a boss. The player is helped by a password system which keeps you from tearing your hair out in frustration every time you get killed (it happens often). You get a number of continues, when you use one Yoda's head tells you to "do or do not, there is no try". The voice of Darth Vader also appears sometimes.

Not much more to say about this game. The lightsaber seems weak like the other weapons mostly because the enemies are so tough and numerous. It was the middle game of the "Super" trilogy, followed by Super Return of the Jedi whose cover is the only instance of an official Star Wars product downplaying Slave Leia. Empire came out in 1993, a year or two before the relaunch of the original trilogy which signaled a resurgence of the Star Wars phenomenon.

Since the relaunch the machine has not stopped, producing three prequels of varying quality, as well as countless merchandise, television, video game in other properties. Star Wars has always been a part of the video game landscape to this day, from the early games to Shadows of the Empire for the N64, to KOTOR to Battlefront to the appearance of some characters in SoulCalibur 4. Lucas is not exactly hesitant to license his intellectual property and this could be readily seen in 1993 and even earlier on.

Mario RPG: A Primer

Released in 1996 Super Mario RPG might be the best game to ever come out for the SNES. I'd argue its the second best but we dont have time to talk about Mario World 2 right now. RPG was created by both Nintendo and Square as a combination of the famous Nintendo characters and the gameplay and style made famous by Square in such games as Chrono Trigger and the early Final Fantasies.

It was a complete overhaul of the Mario franchise: gone were the days of sidescrolling mario saving 2D Toadstool, now there was possibly the first ever 3D rendered Mario going through an up and down world, talking to townspeople, teaming up with Bowser and saving Princess Peach. Luigi was presumably MIA.

Like any other RPG the player could form his or her party to battle against foes in turn based combat. Bowser and Peach (or maybe it was still Toadstool) along with two new characters (probably Square characters) called Geno and Mallow. The first looks like an odd Italian magician while the other looks like a marshmallow or a cloud. Honestly it's kinda complicated. I'm sure there was a lot of thinking being done and a lot of weed being smoked. It should be noted that this is probably the first time Bowser is portrayed as a charismatic, if flawed, figure instead of an all out villain, this theme would continue in later games.

The bad guy is some crazy sword or something who runs the "Smithy Gang". I have no idea what this means but its definitely a poor choice of words. It reminds me of a smodcast. The group then walks around solving numerous puzzles, playing multiple mini games, gaining experience, talking to townspeople, gathering items and fighting enemies. You know like in those other RPG's of the time.

The graphics were fucking 3D renders! the gameplay smooth, the story innovative. In short it was a nice effort by both companies. The game did not have a sequel but there were numerous Mario RPG games released afterwards. Though they may be more imaginative and better graphically Super Mario RPG is still a worthy predecessor.

So what is all this about? well I wanted to get a copy of the game to review and reminisce. I have very special memories of this game and was curious to see if these memories were romanticized or justified. The problem is a copy for the SNES can run you about $50 on eBay, or more. So what's the alternative? the Wii virtual console. For about $8 the game is now ready to go on the
Wii, I've started playing it and will have a report up some day. But this was part 1, the primer if you will, hopefully the second part will be up soon.

Portable Rock Band!

The great thing about music games, Rock Band and Guitar Hero and their imitators is that they give you the ability to feel like you're playing music even when in reality all one is doing is playing away on small plastic guitars. Despite this there is little denying that the games are fun, addictive and above all profitable. So how to transfer the concept to the handheld market?

The companies have certainly tried, Rock Band launched Unplugged for the PSP with a simple button mashing system while Guitar Hero launch On Tour for the DS with an included peripheral and mimics the fret buttons on the plastic guitar. Both seem fun, neither are actual representations of playing an instrument

Now comes Rock Band for the iPhone. The game doesn't reproduce the feel of the instruments either but at least it doesn't try to. Instead it takes the four available instruments (guitars, drums, vocals, bass) and modifies them to play on the touch screen, notes continue to flow from top to bottom but to play the note the only requirement is to touch the fret button that represents that note. In the case of the vocals there is no actual singing, instead the vocals flow like notes that the player must hit as they pass.

Here's the predicament: should they have tried to reproduce instruments or did they take the correct route? On the one hand I don't want to look like an idiot playing my phone like a guitar or singing to its microphone but on the other hand...I sorta do. The thing is, however, that had they done full on instrumentation instead of tapping notes less people would be inclined to buy or play the game. There is also no doubt that it would not have been a very good game. Not to say that Guitar Hero On Tour and its peripheral suck, its just that thats not the way its done on the iPhone.

The game does have the feel of a Rock Band game. The menus and interface are very similar to the console version and includes some great tattoo inspired images drawn up exclusively for this game (thankfully they dont reek of Ed Hardy douchness). It comes with 20 songs none of which feel like filler. There's some Smashing Pumpkins, Blink 182, Foo Fighters as well as some classics from Lynyrd Skynyrd and other bands. The list is robust and varied enough to keep it interesting but if they're not enough the in-app music store offers two song packages for $1.00. Thats fifty cents a song! cheap!. Hopefully it will be updated weekly and include some free songs (it had two free songs on launch). Super Power (or whatever its called) is included and triggered by tilting the phone, bass groove comes back, unison bonuses are there too.

There are some negatives that need to be addressed: firstly the game cannot be played on the horizontal screen, trying to play on hard vertically is somewhat impossible, especially when trying to maneuver through combined notes with both thumbs. There simply isn't enough space. There is also no character creation or even character selection, it seems that the characters take a back seat, there is only one screen with four characters, one for each instrument. When actually playing most of the screen is taking up by the notes, leaving only about 1/5th of the screen for video of the band playing. Unlike the console version (and for obvious reasons) the video is not unique to the song, instead there are about three different videos which play randomly. This isn't such a big deal as its impossible to actually pay attention to it when playing.

At $10 it might seem like an expensive game but lets keep in mind that other hand held versions of rhythm games retail for much more than this. Overall its a solid, entertaining game, with endless possibilities thanks to the music store and the ability to update seamlessly via the app store. There is multiplayer but its limited to local bluetooth and I don't know anybody that's going buy this game and the person I share apps with simply doesnt care so I wont be taking advantage of this feature. Same goes for the facebook integration but this doesn't matter.

Southpark, Smaller, Shorter in Your Pocket

It's hard to believe that Southpark has been around since the mid 90's. Back when I first got to the U.S it was a novelty, one which middle schoolers with cable were all too happy to embrace because of its, then, unheard of humour, profanity and animation.

Thirteen seasons later the show has evolved from pure grossout to social commentary. This is not to say that the gross out factor has disappeared, its still there, but it has at least grown up, in the same respect as its viewers and former viewers have. That the show has jumped the shark is uncertain, I haven't watched it in a while, but it still is consistently funny and its number of seasons is starting to reach Simpsons or at least King of the Hill like notoriety.

All of this just to talk about the brilliant Southpark Mega Millionaire for the iPhone. The game takes the familiar kids from Southpark and throws them into a stereotypical (but fun) Japanese game show, the kind that makes people humiliate themselves for money and goods. The tilt controls and reach-the-goal mechanics would have worked with any popular or non-popular characters, the Southpark kids therefore work great here as the show has previously explored Japanese culture and the bright pallette of colours meshes perfectly with the games art and style.

Here you take turns using Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny as they navigate through various stages (on roller skates) with various obstacles and variables thrown in for good measure. From having to carry something on their head to dealing with greased up floors or having to serve tea to four "masters", sumo wrestlers, the wheel of misfortune, the challenges are varied enough to keep one entertained without ever feeling repetitive. Successfully completing challenges earns a player goodies as well as giving us some great screens of the Japanized characters along with tons of flashy Kanji which very well could say "you suck for playing this game" for all I know or care.

This is not only a great game but its also a great satire (in the Southpark spirit) of Japanese game shows in general. The host is reminiscent of the crazy dude from Lost in Translation, the odd phrasing is reminiscent of Japan's love of Americana which in turns fuels our obsession with Japanese culture. If Japanization is inevitable, if its already happened and cannot be reversed then we're definitely headed to a better place. I for one welcome their Pocky, Katamari and beer candy and if we can get some of our icons into their concepts (like in this game) then all the better.

I know I say this a lot but this is one of the better games for this platform. It uses the phone's abilities to perfection, it has some great art, its cheap, licensed and very original. There's not much to complain about, obviously those who loathe South Park will be hard pressed to buy this but they dont have to, unfortunately they'll be really missing out.

The Onion: Cyberball

The Onion had another one of their brilliant video game related articles today, this time relaying the story of how there might be a lockout of the 2073 season of Cyberball if the Robot Players union and the league don't reach an agreement. Choice quote here:

"I am unable to detect any gratitude from owners of magnesium wide receivers and titanium running backs who continually execute, on command, motion-based operations with a 350-pound explosive ball. I honestly cannot believe my proximity sensors."

This got me to doing some research on this game (which I had never heard of before) and before I knew it I was playing the damned thing so not only is this an Onion entry but also a review. Two for one, yeah!.

Cyberball is the clever (for the 1980's) name given to an atari football game that featured robots instead of actual human players. There are many number of reasons why this was a wise decision, for one no need to get any license from the NFL or NFLPA, theres also no need to actually try to recreate any likenesses to actual human beings, and the abilities to create pallete swapped clone teams and use ultra bad ass imagery such as this.

The version I played was a demo freely available on the Xbox Live. It maintains the retro (read: cheap) graphics and gameplay but throws in some new artwork (based on this apparently) and menus so you dont feel like you just wasted 400 points on a crap game. Gameplay isn't necessarily crap (it is, after all, a port of an 80's atari game) it's simply limited.

Basically you control a red team playing against a blue one, you play both offense and defense and have the ability to choose one of four plays (there are more than four but there are only four presented at a time) ranging from pass and run to option, blitz and nickel. There are no first downs, rather the teams play with an atomic ball which must warms up after about four downs if the team does not score or get the ball to midfield.

You don't so much play this game as you participate in it. Passing is random, running is vaguely controllable and defense is impossible. Scoring is a bit easy only because it's more difficult to not catch a pass than it is to complete it. It's an interesting experience, one which plays surprisingly smoothly on the Xbox but when all is said and done the game is too dated to be that interesting. After all this kind of thing can now be found on the iPhone, with better gameplay and graphics. Still as a piece of nostalgia its relatively harmless and, I assume, the full game along with the ability to play online (and a variety of teams) makes it somewhat fun.

Here's the Onion article
Cyberball Robot Player's Union Says Lockout Likely In 2073 Season

The King

This review for The Lion King for the SNES is only a placeholder. Why? because this game is so incredibly frustrating that I haven't been able to get past the second stage even though I've been playing it for the past two weeks. I haven't played it for long periods of time, mind you, but that's mainly because frustration sets in pretty quickly when fuckin Simba cant seem to swing on Hippo tails regardless of what button combinations one pushes. Phew that needed to get out. Like I said: placeholder, once I get around to beating it we'll have a closer look.

First of all the game is developed by Virgin. I had no idea Virgin even produced video games but I suppose it is a necessary step between space travel and bankrupt music stores. What is even more impressive, and a sign of the times, is that they actually had a Disney license. I know Disney will license just about anything but it says a lot about the unimportance of video games in 1994 that just anybody got a license from the big D.

The game starts off simply enough, you shuffle through some basic screens until Timon says "it starts" and you begin wandering around the Pridelands as Simba, jumping on assorted bugs, hedgehogs and lizards. It looks a lot like a non-CG Donkey Kong actually: a platformer set in a vividly colored jungle all set to great music (Lion King uses the music from the movie). But the similarities sorta end there, this game is not nearly as deep as Donkey Kong, its levels are much shorter and it is often more difficult to understand.

For example Simba doesn't actually have a life meter or any other logical way of knowing how close he is from dying. It seems that at random intervals, after an unknown number of hits, he just tips over. There are two bars at the top of the screen (which look like battery meters on a phone) but I have no idea what they mean. One of them measures how hard Simba can growl (I think) but he roars the same way regardless of whether its full or not. He also collects a bunch of random upgrades which, also, don't seem to have a purpose.

The artwork is great, I'd say that they spent most of their budget on graphics and forgot about gameplay. The characters look like those in the film, right down to the supporting animals which keep their great art deco style from the big screen. The game also features nicely done cut scenes with Mufasa, Rafiki and the rest of the gang.

Frustration begins to set in when you realize that the pretty art is a front for the bad game play. Sure its cool when Simba has to jump, ride and swing on animals but it sucks that there is no definite way to do these things. What's worse is that when you're required to jump from hippo tail to hippo tail five or six straight times and miss once Simba falls in a river (or on a birds nest, or something else) and you just lost a life. Yep, looks like Simba suffers from Megaman on spikes syndrome.

And that's what the second stage is about. I've gotten pretty close to beating it but he always falls! fuck if anybody ever needed opposable thumbs! It's a shame too because I want to keep playing this game. Not only because of my love of all things disney (except the Disney Channel) but also because some of the later stages look bad ass. Wildebeest run! older Simba! sure somewhere along the way Mufasa will die but we've had fifteen years to accept it and move on. Plus somewhere along the way Scar (one of the best villains in Disney ever) will make an appearance. I really should keep playing it.

Stay tuned I suppose.

Also: for no actual reason here's a picture of Bjork as a baby. Awwwww!

Rival Turf

Rival Turf! is the game that Batman Forever wanted and should have been. It's the quintessential 90's two player beat-em-up in which an unlikely pair must make their way through a city in turmoil in order to rescue a woman, or stop the drug trade or something like that. The objective here is unclear, there is a map and it appears that the characters are trying to make it down to the Mexican border? after a couple of stages in the city a helicopter arrives and takes you down "south of the border" with no actual explanation, you are then fighting in the jungle.

In Rival Turf! you select from one of two characters: Jack Flak whose look has made a complete 360 from outdated to back in style or Oozie Nelson who dresses like M.Bison (by the way was it standard for tough guys to dress like Eastern European dictators back in the early 90's?). They battle a substantial amount of stereotypes with names that say all you need to know about them, examples: Gigante is the big guy, Arnold is the bodybuilder, Reggie is the hip black guy and so forth.

This game, like many other, was based on a Japanese original. In this case it was the Rushing Beat series. Like MegaMan, Darkstalkers and many more games the developers simply replaced Japanese art with Western art (happened in anime too, how is this better than this? its not) and completely Americanized the characters. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but it is a shame that that Japanese cover was replaced with shit like this. I wonder when exactly the video game industry realized that gamers were into Japanese art and culture.

The gameplay is smooth, without a doubt the SNES was made for this type of game and its not surprising that titles such as Captain Commando, Ninja Turtles and Double Dragon were some of the most popular on the console. Rival Turf's characters are surprisingly big, they fill up the screen nicely and are drawn in a stylized way that still feels fresh. You get a total of six continues and five lives per continue, with infrequent health boosts and increasing difficulty a beginner can still get pretty far (I got up to stage 4 my first time). Two player mode should be easier and a lot more fun.

The beat-em-up genre sorta died as technology improved and games became smarter. The last one I remember is Fighting Force which was fun but not as much as the sidescrollers but with retro gaming now more accessible these old games return either through wide availability online (as downloads or at eBay) or through places like the Xbox Marketplace and Wii Store. This genre offers mindless co-op fun and works better with simplified graphics, sounds like a perfect concept for the iPhone.

Civilization

I have no idea who Sid Meier is. Sure if I google or wikipedia his name I might find his biography or at the very least his picture but this is unimportant. The only thing that really matters is that his name is on the best civilization game of all time. So good, in fact, that its title is simply "Civilization". It's like if Street Fighter was simply called "Fighting Game" but in a non-ironic way.

The port for the iPhone, Civilization Revolution, takes the classic strategy game and shrinks it down to a package that fits in one's hand. Thankfully instead of trying to include all the flash and little tidbits (both in terms of graphics and the huge amounts of information) of the PC version they bring only the basics, simplify the art (making it more cartoony, just like the console version of Civ Rev), use an overhead camera, and sell it in a nice downloadable package that very often is on sale for as little as $2.99.

The map is smaller, the moves, battles and structures are in 2-D but otherwise everything is just like in the big Civilization games. The objective is simply to start your own civilization, starting with one of more than 10 world leaders (including Catherine). The first order of business is to establish a city and start producing goods: art, defense, religion and its all its accompanying structures. As time passes cities expand and new empires begin to emerge, its up to the player to decide what kind of relationship to have with neighbours.

Sure peace might be the best option but war is often necessary and an Empire that is not prepared will soon find its cities being conquered and its borders shrinking. Luckily one is not just thrown onto the international community alone, there are groups of advisers who help make decisions by telling you the consequences of your actions. New players will find it hard to understand but awfully enjoyable once that threshold has been crossed. Its the only game on the iPhone I've played for two hours straight and its especially enjoyable when one's army's begin to evolve and actually win wars and conquer foreign cities.

The art is perfect for an iPhone game. The leaders are nicely drawn, they range from Bismarck to Ghandi to Catherine and lots more in between. The battles are done as short animated cut scenes, the various troop types and structures are done in a magnificent style with very lively colours. The whole thing is really a treat for the eyes. The menus and controls are intuitive, the play options are endless, the AI is challenging and the sound, from the Sims like dialogue to the battle music is top notch.

There is nothing negative about this game. It might be a bit expensive (I bought it for 4.99) but if we're going to start talking about the iPhone as a gaming platform we also have to compare its prices to the competitors and $5 for a game is actually pretty cheap. It also sets the standards high for iPhone games, lets be honest some games just plain sucks, some are just money grabs but this is a genuine, well done strategy game available without having to turn on a PC and insert a cd, its available for bus rides and boring family reunions and its in your pocket.

Remember back when having thousands of songs in your pocket was brilliant novelty? well how about having a game like this available whenever you want? I'd say its just as brilliant.

Forever! Forever!

It seems that more than any other character Batman seems to go through phases: from the original detective to the campy Adam West show to the Alan Moore stories of the 80's, the first two 90's films, the gay Batman sequels and finally the Chris Nolan series. The story so far has been a constant fluctuation between taking the Bat seriously and treating him like a children's story. Batman Forever for the SNES treats tries to treat Batman like the former but ends up treating him like the latter.

And it makes sense too, the first two Batman films could be considered almost in the same category as the Nolan films, only injected with some Tim Burton crazy for good measure. Starting with Forever (and most ridiculously seen in Batman and Robin) the studios decided to turn Batman into a kids movie, complete with ridiculous villains and even more ridiculous gizmos all designed to sell more Happy Meals and increase profit margin. Two-Face for example was more eccentric than out of his fucking mind, the fact that Val Kilmer was Batman pretty much says it all (even though Clooney played him in the last, and worst, film, its Kilmer who personifies the kiddie Batman era).

The game is supposedly a direct translation of the film, not having seen the movie since it first came out I have no idea if this is the case. It takes a serious leap forward graphics-wise, the characters look and move like they have been pulled out of a Mortal Kombat game to the extent that as he moves Batman seems to be dancing around and is able to pull off the infamous MK crouching uppercut. There is a two-player co-op mode with the second player having the ability to play as Robin. The problem here is that, while the Dark Knight looks well graphically because he's not much more than a few splotches of black, Robin looks like a Mego doll. Also he wears the classic Robin outfit instead of the one he wore in the film (and in the fucking box!), you'd think someone would have noticed this inconsistency during motion capture.

Batman walks along some closed levels beating up an assortment of Arkham inmates and men in business suits with such names as Mad Ned, Amazon and (probably) Anvil. The baddies start off easy enough but once they start ganging up on Batman and pulling out chainsaws and flamethrowers it starts to get pretty complicated. What's worse is that the caped crusader is armed only with his arms (and apparently Batarangs and other weapons that I haven't been able to use) and only has six lives (less than a fucking cat), there is no Save feature, no continues and no password system so one can only advance so far before dying and having to start from the beginning.

This isn't a regular beat-em-up either, Batman has to solve puzzles, he has to climb up and down levels, has to fill a quota of beat up villains and find secret compartments and doors. Its hard enough that I had to consult a walkthrough online, I cant imagine how the average 8-year old ever managed to advance through this game in the late 90's, its not that the game itself is hard its just unnecessarily complicated. You do get clues along the way (in the form of riddles, ugh) but most of the riddles are cringe-worthy and completely obvious: oh you want me to "climb" something? look "up"? how imaginative!

My main issue with this game is that I bought it thinking it was the one with Poison Ivy, Schwarzenegger and nipple costumes, I was looking forward to some campy shit but instead I got a game that is more reliant on its "technological advances" (as described in the box) than any actual gameplay. It's not really fun, its frustrating, but its also kinda satisfying to get through because its so difficult. The only problem is that once you turn it off you're gonna have to start from the beginning when you want to play again, its demoralizing. But its also Batman, and its hard to be angry at Batman, even if he is a right wing lunatic.