The Onion: Cyberball

The Onion had another one of their brilliant video game related articles today, this time relaying the story of how there might be a lockout of the 2073 season of Cyberball if the Robot Players union and the league don't reach an agreement. Choice quote here:

"I am unable to detect any gratitude from owners of magnesium wide receivers and titanium running backs who continually execute, on command, motion-based operations with a 350-pound explosive ball. I honestly cannot believe my proximity sensors."

This got me to doing some research on this game (which I had never heard of before) and before I knew it I was playing the damned thing so not only is this an Onion entry but also a review. Two for one, yeah!.

Cyberball is the clever (for the 1980's) name given to an atari football game that featured robots instead of actual human players. There are many number of reasons why this was a wise decision, for one no need to get any license from the NFL or NFLPA, theres also no need to actually try to recreate any likenesses to actual human beings, and the abilities to create pallete swapped clone teams and use ultra bad ass imagery such as this.

The version I played was a demo freely available on the Xbox Live. It maintains the retro (read: cheap) graphics and gameplay but throws in some new artwork (based on this apparently) and menus so you dont feel like you just wasted 400 points on a crap game. Gameplay isn't necessarily crap (it is, after all, a port of an 80's atari game) it's simply limited.

Basically you control a red team playing against a blue one, you play both offense and defense and have the ability to choose one of four plays (there are more than four but there are only four presented at a time) ranging from pass and run to option, blitz and nickel. There are no first downs, rather the teams play with an atomic ball which must warms up after about four downs if the team does not score or get the ball to midfield.

You don't so much play this game as you participate in it. Passing is random, running is vaguely controllable and defense is impossible. Scoring is a bit easy only because it's more difficult to not catch a pass than it is to complete it. It's an interesting experience, one which plays surprisingly smoothly on the Xbox but when all is said and done the game is too dated to be that interesting. After all this kind of thing can now be found on the iPhone, with better gameplay and graphics. Still as a piece of nostalgia its relatively harmless and, I assume, the full game along with the ability to play online (and a variety of teams) makes it somewhat fun.

Here's the Onion article
Cyberball Robot Player's Union Says Lockout Likely In 2073 Season

The King

This review for The Lion King for the SNES is only a placeholder. Why? because this game is so incredibly frustrating that I haven't been able to get past the second stage even though I've been playing it for the past two weeks. I haven't played it for long periods of time, mind you, but that's mainly because frustration sets in pretty quickly when fuckin Simba cant seem to swing on Hippo tails regardless of what button combinations one pushes. Phew that needed to get out. Like I said: placeholder, once I get around to beating it we'll have a closer look.

First of all the game is developed by Virgin. I had no idea Virgin even produced video games but I suppose it is a necessary step between space travel and bankrupt music stores. What is even more impressive, and a sign of the times, is that they actually had a Disney license. I know Disney will license just about anything but it says a lot about the unimportance of video games in 1994 that just anybody got a license from the big D.

The game starts off simply enough, you shuffle through some basic screens until Timon says "it starts" and you begin wandering around the Pridelands as Simba, jumping on assorted bugs, hedgehogs and lizards. It looks a lot like a non-CG Donkey Kong actually: a platformer set in a vividly colored jungle all set to great music (Lion King uses the music from the movie). But the similarities sorta end there, this game is not nearly as deep as Donkey Kong, its levels are much shorter and it is often more difficult to understand.

For example Simba doesn't actually have a life meter or any other logical way of knowing how close he is from dying. It seems that at random intervals, after an unknown number of hits, he just tips over. There are two bars at the top of the screen (which look like battery meters on a phone) but I have no idea what they mean. One of them measures how hard Simba can growl (I think) but he roars the same way regardless of whether its full or not. He also collects a bunch of random upgrades which, also, don't seem to have a purpose.

The artwork is great, I'd say that they spent most of their budget on graphics and forgot about gameplay. The characters look like those in the film, right down to the supporting animals which keep their great art deco style from the big screen. The game also features nicely done cut scenes with Mufasa, Rafiki and the rest of the gang.

Frustration begins to set in when you realize that the pretty art is a front for the bad game play. Sure its cool when Simba has to jump, ride and swing on animals but it sucks that there is no definite way to do these things. What's worse is that when you're required to jump from hippo tail to hippo tail five or six straight times and miss once Simba falls in a river (or on a birds nest, or something else) and you just lost a life. Yep, looks like Simba suffers from Megaman on spikes syndrome.

And that's what the second stage is about. I've gotten pretty close to beating it but he always falls! fuck if anybody ever needed opposable thumbs! It's a shame too because I want to keep playing this game. Not only because of my love of all things disney (except the Disney Channel) but also because some of the later stages look bad ass. Wildebeest run! older Simba! sure somewhere along the way Mufasa will die but we've had fifteen years to accept it and move on. Plus somewhere along the way Scar (one of the best villains in Disney ever) will make an appearance. I really should keep playing it.

Stay tuned I suppose.

Also: for no actual reason here's a picture of Bjork as a baby. Awwwww!

Viper, Sagat, New Art

Capcom released some more promotional art today for Super Street Fighter IV. In this case its new portraits (official ones) of Sagat and Crimson Viper. Thats a screenshot up there, better quality, full ones can be found at the Street Fighter Blog.

It should be noted that the new game will likely have all new artwork for all the characters done in a style that is a departure from the SFIV "ink" style which not only functioned as official artwork but also played a part in the gameplay in the form of the character's focus attacks. The new artwork doesn't suck but it lacks the kick that the ink style had. They're nice drawings and all but the chalk/pencil thing is inferior to the ink thing. It just is. I'm not saying I wouldn't pay money for an artbook but its not as good as the former is all.

As for these two particular drawings, I do like them. It's hard to characterize Sagat as anything other than a bad ass so any drawing of him will look like we've seen it before. As for Viper, her appearance is too odd and specific to really do anything with it. Long braided red hair, glasses, black outfit, not much room for modification. They gave her the standard Street Fighter thunderthighs, accented her curves and made her usual smirk a bit too subtle.

Also what is going on with those backgrounds? Sagat is breaking some meteors while Viper sits on the side of a futon? I vote we go back to the old solid color backgrounds.

Fuck Mario

I never realized how much of a cold heartless bastard Mario actually was. Even the Paratroopa is worried. Aaaah look at those eyes! fuck you Mario, you too Luigi.

Found at Link

Stages: Honda

Note: the title should be read as a parody of David Bowie's "Changes" (i.e Staaa aages)

One of two Japan stages in the original Street Fighter II was Honda's bath house (or Sento or 銭湯). The good thing about the two Japan stages is that they were not designed with stereotypes of the country traditionally known to outsiders, the Sento might be very traditional in Japanese culture but it is not stereotypical, the juxtaposition of it next to the Japanese Sumo wrestler creates the sense that even though we don't know about the Sento or its importance we do instinctively associate it with Japan.

The bathhouse in Honda's stage is very traditional, in fact it looks just like this one. A community pool (bath) in the middle with a traditional Japanese painting (with landscape, rising sun and kabuki player) on the wall next to it. Towards the sides baskets and what appear to be soap machines lie, accessories no doubt present in any communal bath. Of course everybody knows that once the match is over the kabuki man lights up. Since the Sento isn't specifically linked to Sumo the story was that Honda worked there. The stage made appearances in some subsequent games, including some crossovers.

The stage would be very recognizable to the Japanese and those who know its culture. The question of how to scream "JAPAN" to an outsider is more complicated, should they have included godzilla? baseball? pocky? schoolgirls? ome of those weird vending machines? the bottom line is they could have potentially messed the stage up in grand fashion if they wanted to go with total stereotypes, fortunately they decided to keep it classic, respectful and more realistic.

As the spread of Japanese culture across America (and the world) becomes stronger its customs, including the more obscure ones, become more well known and accepted. Twenty years after the release of SFII we no longer need the obvious stereotypes and therefore appreciate the inclusion (and possibly introduction) of lesser known Japanese traditions such as the bath house.

The only downside to this is that the knowledge of a culture on the part of Japanese developers was limited when it came to other countries, therefore when it came to places such as India or (as we will see later) Mexico, they did have to go with complete stereotypes. Leaving those outside those countries with a wrong impression of them and those inside with wondering just what the fuck was going through the developers minds.

There it is, a Japan heavy entry with no mentions of Sapporo, I'm sorta proud of myself.

MAXIMUM

Admittedly I've been a bit lazy lately, not in the mood for playing SNES or finding stupid shit to fill in blog posts. Welcome to Ocotober. Ah well, I'm sure this will go away soon, for now here's a clear picture of Dee Jay for Super Street Fighter IV.

I always sorta liked Dee Jay (though not as much as my brother) mainly because he had thick legs. He gave some good kicks and was relatively easy to control. Cammy was useless because she would jump up and down maniacally for no reason, T.Hawk was useless because he couldn't move much and Fei Long required too much mastery to actually use.

Dee Jay was easy, he kicked and dance his way into many people's hearts. My favourite part were his MAXIMUM pants which, apparently, only said that because the word could be read both when he was facing right or left. Sure maybe he was not as popular as Cammy (for obvious reasons) and didn't make it to the original cut of SFIV but he managed to get himself a following, at some point even getting an action figure.

It remains to be seen, I suppose, how his moves will transfer to the new SF, thankfully I have yet to encounter an old character that has been ruined by the updates.

Picture Post 8

California Speed. Polygons. So many Poligons.