Happy New Year!

And a happy new year to all! this is not the time to talk about how quickly this decade, let alone this year, passed by. It did for sure but tonight is not the time to talk about it. No tonight is a time to celebrate in style.

And for me that means a night spent with some Carlsberg, Rockband, the Girlfriend and possibly Inglourious Basterds on Blu Ray. Indeed I am not one to go out and socialize throughout the year so I'm not about to start doing so at the end of the year. It also means a continuation of the tradition of going in to work the next day with a hangover.

As for the blog...its been a good nine months hasn't it? sure we continuously fluctuate between actual reviews of old video games (the object of the blog after all), Street fighter praise and nonsensical diatribes regarding a fictitious character killing off a skull balaclava wearing homie of mine but that's all part of the fun. Do I dare make any promises as to whats coming up in 2010? I do not, mainly because I have no idea what's coming up in 2010.

That's it for now. Happy 2010.

Mario Bros Wii - Gameplay

Just yesterday I finished (NEW) Super Mario Bros. Wii (horrible title) the best game to have ever come out for the forsaken console and was wondering how to tackle it in blog form. Mega post? separate entries focusing on individual aspects? ignoring it completely? I finally decided to go the separate entries route so today we focus on gameplay. Other entries will deal with powerups, characters and so on.

This game is a piece of retro gaming deliciousness. The mechanics are identical to every sidescrolling Mario game from the original Mario Bros. to the numbered entries, World, and the DS titles. Yes despite the gameplay being so familiar we haven't had a game like this on a full size console since Mario World on the SNES. Instead we've been treated to variations on the Mario theme in the form of Mario 64, Sunshine and even Galaxy. Not bad games by any stretch but if I want to play a 3D platformer I'll just...well actually I don't want to play a 3D platformer.

Of course the main differences are the better graphics (better but not in the same league as what Microsoft and Sony are doing) and the inclusion of some of the Wii remote's unique uses. For the most part, however, the game consists of Mario making his way through very long 2D stages, getting powerups along the way, jumping obstacles, destroying baddies, grabbing coins and so on.

The game is markedly more difficult then anything with the Mario title in the past. The stages are huge and powerups are scattered at the rate of maybe 1.5 mushrooms per stage. If this seems scant (and it is) its nothing compared to the number of Yoshi's scattered along, by my count the green dinosaur appears only in three stages and if you make it to the end of a stage with Mario will dismount and wave goodbye to him before going to the next stage. Yep, gone are the days when you could simply go back and grab a Yoshi.

While the powerups are limited the baddies and pratfalls are not. The jumps have to be better timed, the baddies are fiercer and more varied. While the game is incredibly difficult in single player it gets exponentially worse in multiplayer. Yes its awesome that four players can play at the same time but it leads to fucking pandemonium. There are many ways to play multiplayer: when everybody fends for themselves it sucks because you're playing on one screen and all characters have to be on that screen at all times which means you have to wait for your retarded cousin to get to where you are before advancing, when playing cooperatively it sucks because the game slows down and you find yourself just carrying your retarded cousin (in the form of a nameless yellow toad) to the next level.

But playing in single player is incredibly fun precisely because its so challenging. You can grab one of the older Mario sidescrollers and beat it in a few hours, in a day at the most, but not so with this game. It took me a solid week to finish it and for this the game developers must be commended. They took a formula which we're all familiar with and made it challenging. And for the better because, honestly, at this point who can't start playing any older Mario game and finish it within the same day?

Replay value is added in the form of star coins or coinstars or whatever they're called. Three huge coins with star imprints are scattered through in each level. Now at first you're only told you can use them to buy hint videos (useless) but then Peach (Toadstool) teases something about world 9 after you finish the game and how you can only play through it once you have every star coin from each stage. Fucking great. I just spent a whole week thinking I didn't need these things and now I have to go back? ugh.

But in the end its an awfully enjoyable game. It's very difficult but its also very difficult to put down. I found my wii remotes constantly needing new batteries (something I've never seen before) and I really appreciated Nintendo not having me stand on some sort of board or making ninja slices or attachments and shit to actually enjoy this game. The best games for Nintendo consoles are those made by Nintendo. This is both a blessing and a curse because you often end up with shitty third party titles but then again the proprietary titles are so good that it makes you want to get a Nintendo console because you cant find these anywhere else.

Coming soon: Talking about power-ups, characters and the long promised Koopa Kids post.

Loser of the Week: TMZ. Haha you spent countless thousands of dollars for an old tattered up picture that purports to show John F Kennedy whoring it up on a boat with some naked Europeans, you call such picture potentially history altering....then it turns out all you bought is a photoshopped version of a picture that originally ran in a 1960's issue of playboy featuring paid models including "Andy" who doesnt even look like JFK. Hahaha, and you put your ubiquitous watermark on it! thus assuring the internet that your dumbassery will live on forever.

Happy Xmas

Happy Christmas from myself and Bad Mr Frosty. Man talk about creating an entire video game around a single character! The original Clay Fighter had eight playable characters (I believe that is the minimum) and most were not thought out at all, except for Mr Frosty. Let us now take a look:

Taffy - A piece of Taffy? this guy is essentially the clay version of a stick figure.

Blob - Ok we need an extra character and we have this lump of clay left how do we reconcile these facts? googly eyes!

Helga - Yes an actual humanoid but whats up with that breast plate? her torso consists of three round pieces of clay, thats pretty lazy.

Tiny - The ugliest wrestler in a video game ever. More googly eyes!

Bonker - Ok Bonker is pretty cool, Ill give em that.

Blue Suede Goo - Good concept but his entire body is made up of one lump of clay, there is no detail whatsoever.

Ichabod Clay - A Pumpkin head with a piece of rag for a body. The Pumpkin is detailed, nothing else is. Also the internet has no picture of him (there's one in that Bonker pic)

N. Boss - the laziest most throw-away boss ever. Is that a pearl necklace with, yes, googly eyes?

It's unfair to criticize this game as it did what it could with what it had and if I remember correctly it was pretty enjoyable. It just happens that I'm a horrible person.

So again, Happy Christmas! (I don't like the word merry, when was the last time you saw it used in a none xmas situation? Merry Melodies and Robin Hood's Merry Men both relics of the 50's). Bad Mr. Frosty might be a great christmassy character but you know who's better? Sumo Santa. He says Happy Christmas too.

Stages: Balrog

Note: the title should be read as a parody of David Bowie's "Changes" (i.e Staaa aages)

Today we take a break from the usual Modern Warfare 2 stuff and come back to an old classic: the stages post. Balrog (or Mike Bison, or Vega or Boxer) is the second boss character in the original Street Fighter and the third American we profile. Just like Ken and Guile's, Balrog's stage shows us a completely different aspect of American culture: the excess most commonly associated with Las Vegas.

It would have been too obvious to have Balrog's stage be an actual boxing ring. It would have also been very interesting seeing how Vega's stage was so unorthodox, another odd stage with different properties would have been fun to play in. Balrog could have projected off the ropes and landed devastating punches, alas he still lands devastating punches but does so with significantly less theatrics.

Instead he's fighting in the middle of the Las Vegas strip, in front of the Golden Nugget Casino no less, which shares the backdrop with some fancy cars, bikini-clad women and a substantial array of pimps. This fits in perfectly with Balrog, especially as his character evolved throughout the series. He is portrayed as a less than average intellect who uses exceeding brute force and fights strictly for the money.

Does the stage portray the excesses of capitalism? of American culture? not exactly. The kind of depravity that goes in in Vegas, if you're willing to believe their own motto or "The Hangover", is very specific and unique to Vegas. What we are seeing, then, is not commentary on American decay but rather on that of Las Vegas. That this might be what some choose to think about when they think of the U.S is a whole other discussion and is completely reliant on that person's own values and viewpoints. In other words its just as valid to think this is America as it is to think that the wild west, the slums of Detroit or the concept of gum smacking is what represents us (and this blogger can now, happily say "us" as he recently became a U.S citizen). We are informed by our perceptions, obviously, but we choose which perceptions to believe.

The stage itself is awfully lively. The characters in the back move around quite a bit, the music is fast paced and the challenge of facing Balrog and his quick punches and charge attacks is something that feels completely in place in such a stage. That Balrog was originally an unlicensed clone of Mike Tyson doesn't hurt either. We've all seen Vegas fights and are familiar with the tacky glamour that accompanies them, here is a chance to take part of this glamour, in 1992 using a green electric beast man.

The stage received a great update in the recent HD remake of Street Fighter II. The bikini wearing women remain as do the pimps (one of which looks like a white Snoop Dogg meets Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York) but a douchebag wearing a baseball hat and basketball shorts (poker player? yeah definitely) and an escalade have been added. Oh yeah this is excess. This is decay, this is, and they will be the first to tell you, Vegas.

Doom Indeed

So here it is. My reward for finally beating Modern Warfare 2. Not that it was a particularly difficult endeavor, the game itself is pretty short, but it was immensely satisfying. Never had a game immersed me so deeply into its narrative. Sure when I first played Bully I wanted to get myself an Astronomy Club vest but this actually had me depressed when one of my war buddies was been killed.

Yes I did take that picture from the Call of Duty Wiki but I also took a picture of it when it appeared on my TV. For proof of course. I did manage to get my hands on a copy of the first Modern Warfare, the one I couldn't finish because it was stolen by a crackhead when I was barely getting started with it. Sure I'll finish this one too but what I really want is to get my hands on the third MW. Yes I realize that just a month ago I was making fun of this game. No I dont care.

For my Homie

Let me take a moment to pour some of my 40 on the curb for my homie Ghost. Today while on assignment in an estate looking for information on a known terrorist in Russia we were both gunned down by a fucking traitor who then proceeded to steal our information and burn us alive with gasoline. To add insult to injury he lighted the fire using his cigar. Fucking ponce.

Ghost was a consummate badass who saved my life a couple of times and led us to success in more than a few missions. His impeccable leadership and knowledge of computers and jails got us through that crazy stage where we broke a bloke out of prison. His trademark skull mask scared the shit out of enemy combatants. Fuck he even has his own comic book! but now he's dead and he's (probably) not coming back.

Motherfuck that Shepherd guy. Now I'm gonna have to kill him.

Loser of the Week: Time Magazine. You named Ben Bernanke the person of the year? why? for not fucking up the economy even more? I thought his job was to fix this thing, it doesn't look like its getting fixed. Well unless you're a Wall Street CEO who's bonus is protected by the government. Good job Time Magazine, just two years ago you picked another consummate badass (Putin), last year you picked the most powerful man in the world (Obama) and this year you pick some moron. You shoulda picked the guys who created Twitter but you pussied out.

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods is watching you masturbate play video games. In hindsight everything that Tiger Woods touched now seems inappropriate, ironic, and out of place. I downloaded this theme a long time ago and never actually used it but now there is no way I don't do it.

In related news EA has announced that they will do absolutely nothing regarding the use of Tiger Wood's in their golf game (Tiger Woods PGA Tour or some shit). This will likely be a dealbreaker for any casual fans who just might feel like playing Golf on the Xbox. I'm sure there are a few diehards out there who camp out every year to get the new Tiger Woods who will surely do the same next year but for the normal gamer? just seems like the inclusion of the adulterer would be toxic for the game.

More Modern Warfare

You know for someone who doesn't really care for Modern Warfare 2 I sure do write a lot of entries about it. Here's another one!

Being the nerd that I am I've always been fascinated by insignias, logos and so on be they military, commercial, athletic, you name it. If it has an identity I'm interested in it. This is probably why I have a collection of patches, probably why I have Uniwatch on my RSS feed.

My favourite part of Modern Warfare besides the pointless violence, then, is the various teams that are available in multiplayer. There are a total of six different teams all with their own unique logos, in-game chatter, uniforms and so on. Today we take a look at these teams identities, look for inspirations in the real life and compare them according to overall badassery. I apologize in advance for the poor quality of the emblems, apparently they haven't made their way to the internet yet so I just borrowed them from some youtube vids.

-Rangers - An obvious one, these guys represent the United States Army, specifically the Army Rangers. The colours and the star are borrowed directly from the widely used U.S Army logo (the one that accompanies all the swag you pick up at high school job fairs). The star also appears on the Rangers insignia. Sadly there is not a single trace of a lightning bolt on the game emblem but at least they kept the gold, the rifles complete the coat of arms in the most literal way possible. As for badassery? the Rangers have a swagger about them with their insistence on leading the way.

-Seals - The U.S Navy, the emblem has an eagle holding onto a sword whereas in the actual emblem the eagle is holding either an anchor or a trident or whatever else it can get its claws on. The emblem is finished off with a globe and what appears to be the Star Trek logo in the background. The SEALs have always been the most acclaimed and famous special ops team in the U.S military. They also have that swagger about them in the game but their crop is certainly devalued since all teams have the same abilities. In reality the Seals would probably kick the most ass.

-Task Force 141 - The main group in the single player game, I've always considered them the British team and with good reason, not only do the soldiers talk in British accents but the emblem is based on the British Special Air Services (SAS) division. The skull and the crazy looking plane in the back are an addendum as is the laurel which helps frame the emblem. The badassery of this team is seen in the single player campaign, ergo I have yet to see it.

-OpFor - The Middle Eastern team, an ultranational (but not Islamist?) faction that fights in the streets and mountain tops wearing assorted keffiyehs and other assorted terrorist ware. The logo is a typical one for an Islamist group, it instantly reminded me of the logo of the real life Muslim Brotherhood. The various swords, the crescent moon, the flame in the back, they really went for all the markers and were able to fit them into an emblem that can fit into any faction in any country in the Middle East. They're fun to use because you're using the bad guys, but not a lot of badassery.

-Spetsnaz - Quickly close your eyes and think of two things that scream "Communism". Chances are at least one of those two things is either a red star or the hammer and sickle. The Spetsnaz emblem in the game is just that, a hammer and sickle inside a red star. It doesn't get much more Soviet than that. The real Spetsnaz did not have an official logo and it appears that the one used in the game is based on that used by the KGB. Since the Red Army is no more, Russian intelligence falls under the umbrella of the Glavnoye Razvedyvatel'noye Upravleniye or GRU, naturally this new organization no longer uses the old communist insignia. When you constantly use the word "comrade", by the way, your badass level is through the roof.

-Militia - Finally the Brazilian militia which isn't modeled after any particular group but is sort of a representation of similar groups found throughout the world at various times. A clandestine, revolutionary group with a particular goal: usually to overthrow the government but frequently just to work as an organized crime syndicate. These are not soldiers but ordinary malcontents, their emblem is a red hand which is reminiscent of other movements that have sought change through revolutionary means. It is also fairly easy to reproduce: after a political killing simply dab your hand in the blood of your enemy and press it against the wall, bam! instant calling card. The militia is also up there not because they're taking on some of the most powerful military forces in the world while wearing casual clothing but rather because one of their members dares wear a Boca Juniors shirt. In Brazil. That dude has got some balls.

Jumping Tigers

I have no idea what is happening here but this picture is absolutely amazing. Apparently its from a Dynasty Warriors spin off, to be precise its from the most awesome Dynasty Warriors spin off ever. Yes its a fucking jumping tiger.

Let us now expand on this topic. I've never actually played a Dynasty Warriors game even though the franchise now includes at least seven or eight games. I suppose it came out during the odd time when the PS1 was the balls and could get away with mass pixelation. Sure the newer games look better but if that wasn't enough of a turn off then the fact that its some sort of strategy clusterfuck really ruins the whole thing. I like to think that it's Final Fantasy using non-copyrightable historical figures.

The art ranges from good to passable generic Tekken copy. Don't get me started on Tekken either. The gameplay I dare not comment on as I'm sure it has its legions of fans. Still that tiger up there is really something to think about.

A Downward Spiral

The visual identity of electronics, of anything really, is of paramount importance if a company wishes to create even a modicum of brand identity in its potential customers. Hence we get stories of how Steve Jobs designs everything around a new apple release, we see official guidelines that companies put out dictating how their visuals have to be handled and so on.

The objective is to engrain an image into the consumer's mind so that as soon as a brand is named (or read or whatever) there is an instant visual accompanying it. Think of the Wii and you think of the odd remote, the over reliance on white. Think of an iPod and you think of white headphones and those shadow commercials they use to run. Think of Playstation and you instantly picture oppression and the long used PS logo. What about the Xbox?

Simple right? the green gash that was used for the original Xbox. When its laid out in black its the original, for the 360 Microsoft paired it with white. You put the gash in a globe, add some nice colors and font and you get the Xbox 360 logo. A pretty, Web 2.0 identity that says "yes we're for hardcore gamers but we also care about families, we're not oppressive oligarchs like Sony but we're not pussies like Nintendo".

But the thing is that was not the original Xbox 360 logo. When it was released the overlying visual was the psychotropic, green-yellow-white-blue, moving, mind fuck spiral. When the 360 was released in 2005 Microsoft had that spiral everywhere, but after some time (and I couldn't tell you when) it went away, replaced by the sphere and the wordmark. Sure its still used today but its hardly the primary mark. So why did it went away? some thoughts below.

Firstly the spiral is impossible to reproduce, especially on a small scale. Imagine trying to get that thing on a polo shirt and have every individual strand appear as it does on a computer screen or a piece of paper? its impossible. Any logo needs to be reproduced on all sorts of scaled and the spiral simply does not work. Add to that the huge amount of negative space in it and the fact that that space probably has to be filled with white and you have a logo that is impossible to work with.

The X-gash is not only part of the visual identity but its actually part of the controller, going to it as the main visual simply makes sense from a marketing standpoint. The spiral, at most, is part of the box and the box gets thrown into the trash after you make sure your system works.

Could it also be that a spiral as a video game logo has been done before? specifically by Dreamcast? I suppose. Though the Xbox and the DC's spirals have very little in common, I'd say nothing except for the basic shape and the fact that they both appear on machines that are primarily white in color. The thing is that by 2005 the Dreamcast was obsolete, Sega was out of the hardware business and fear of litigation should have been minimal. It probably was since the Xbox spiral still technically is part of the larger visual package.

The answer is probably a short google search away and its probably not as romantic as the shit I'd like to believe so I'm just going to assume I'm correct in assuming that the logo's uselessness and its similarities to the Sega system ultimately killed it. In the end if I were Microsoft (and I'm not) I would have gone with the one visual that comes to everybody's mind when they think Xbox 360: the Red Ring of Death.

Oh Snap!

Modern Warfare

We got Modern Warfare 2 for the 360 about a week ago, despite my lack of interest in playing games in which you control a gun that shoots others (I know I made that joke before) I found that the combination of the hype surrounding the game as well as my basically free 3 month Xbox Live Gold subscription has had me playing it pretty frequently.

I mentioned in my previous mockery of a post that the usual critiques of a military game, including the glorification and nationalist spirit, applied here but do not necessarily demerit from the experience. It has been my experience, rather, that militarism and nationalism and all other isms though present are fairly contained in this game.

Glorification of the military is limited in online multiplayer. Sure you mainly play with a group focused on a single objective but your team members are hardly united in the same manner as in the actual military. There is a lack of comradeship here probably because you have not spent time training with these guys, you don't care if they die and so on. There are also a number of different factions which fight it out and which you don't select. It's difficult to form a bond to the Rangers or the SEALs, for example, when at any given point you are assigned to be a member of the Red Army or a Muslim Jihadist. Now the Brazilian militia? that's just absurd.

Nationalism is mainly present in the form of selectable titles that consist of a variety of national flags. Yes if you're American you can use an American flag, if you're Mexican a Mexican and so on. Obviously anybody whose willing to use these things instead of other callsigns are predisposed to do so from an earlier age as a product of a specific upbringing. But even when you know this shit, when you think the way I do, you still cant help but wear a comm device and let everybody know that you've just been killed by a Chinaman or that you just shot a Filipino or that that Mexican is really starting to fucking annoy you. It's not necessarily a bad thing, its actually kinda fun.

That's enough of this. I don't want to go into specifics because its not my thing and, honestly, there are very few defects in this game. It's fun, it appeals to a certain instinct, its highly customizable. It's like Tamagotchi for men.

Loser of the Week:
-Gillette. Haha, what the fuck? first Thierry Henry cheats his way into the World Cup now Tiger Woods cheats on his wife? you better hope Roger Federer doesn't kill a hooker any time soon.